Thursday, December 27, 2012

Cease Fire

His words are as smooth as butter, but in his heart is war. His words are as soothing as lotion, but underneath are daggers! (Psalms 55:21 NLT)

God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. (Matthew 5:9 NLT)

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. (Ephesians 4:3 NLT)

Enough said.


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Humble Thyself

The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. (Matthew 23:11, 12 NLT)

The proud will insist on their understanding, ways, views, dogma, to the point of hurting/destroying a relationship.

The humble will bring peace, healing, reconciliation with them wherever they go. The focus is not being "right", but being in union/harmony/love above all else.

May we ask for humility every day we wake up.


Friday, November 30, 2012


May our sons flourish in their youth like well-nurtured plants. May our daughters be like graceful pillars, carved to beautify a palace. (Psalms 144:12 NLT)

May we constantly remind ourselves to nurture our children/family/friends.



For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:19 NLT)

Obviously, God in/through Jesus reconciled with us. I believe reconciliation is a most vital/paramount biblical principle that Christians need to value/practice (Spirit of Reconciliation).

(Jesus speaking): So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. (Matthew 5:23, 24 NLT)

A Reconciler has the following attributes: peace-making, forgiving, gracious, confessing, patient, repenting, and keeps no record of wrongs. There are more, but you get the picture.

With all that is in me, do I reconcile with anyone/everyone where a beef/problem exists?

Do I hide behind a wall of pride that insists that I'm right and THEY should be initiating the reconciliation?

Am I so prideful that I can't
/won't admit I've wronged someone and ask for their forgiveness?

Do I hold a grudge that I won't let go of, so that I won't forgive?

Am I willing to lose peace/harmony/family/friends/coworkers because of my pride?

"I'm afraid that if I reconcile and/or forgive , that the wrong will be swept under the rug and all things will become falsely good again."

Are you a Reconciler or a Divider?

Let's discuss this.

P.S. Though I've presented this in a black and white manner, I completely understand how extenuating circumstances don't always allow for a mutual reconciliation and/or even a way to approach certain people.


It's been awhile.

Feels good to be writing again. I got swept up in a tornado that put me out of town a lot. Looks like I'll be local for awhile and am already enjoying the rest.

I look forward to interacting with you. If you have any topics you'd like to discuss, please feel free to ask me.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Putting Away Childish Things

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. (1 Corinthians 13:11 NLT)

We don't like to think that we think/behave like children as adults. We're always telling people to grow up and if you're a Christian, the meaning of "grow up" is drastically different.

To the world, they think they're grown up by aging and being "successful" in life. They also think that behaving like an adult requires no showing of emotion or weakness.

Here's what "growing up" means to Christians (in no certain order):
1. Humility
2. Pursuit of Wisdom (seek, receive, and live)
3. Know God intimately
4. Addressing and putting away (always room for grace) things like: jealousy, comparisons, covetous, pride, envy, hatred, grudges, vindictiveness, rage, fear, worry, etc.......

It's not easy to grow up the Christian way, but it's the only way to deeper levels of understanding and freedom.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Peace and Dissociation

I have spent the last 6 months pondering if a person can accurately identify the difference between peace and dissociation--given that the mind protects itself from traumatic/hurting/stressful events by dissociating (the splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness).

If any reality be perceived as "too much to handle," a checking/zoning-out occurs. At the core we know it exists, but will place the reality/truth into a compartment/box that is placed out of sight and acknowledgement.

After awhile of denial-produced "peace," we start to receive insights that kindly remind us of reality/truth that needs addressing. At this point, as free humans with free will, must be responsible for an area of hurt that needs Jesus' healing.

By no means is blank staring, zoning-out, denial, apathy, complacency, or any other faux form of ignoring the truth , going to heal the hurt on its own with time. Time is not our friend when spiritual infection has begun.

This question crossed my mind several times during this process: "Are you claiming peace when you're simply checked-out?"

Ever feel numb and void of creative thoughts/ideas? For that matter, ever feel so apathetic that you feel you may have lost your ability to care/give a damn?

I'm currently addressing any area/reality that I want to avoid and/or any behavior that stinks of dismissive judgement on others.

Your thoughts or questions are welcome.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dear Mom,

My heart longs for you. Oh, to be hugged by you. Your blue eyes and smile, positioned like a perfectly presented portrait, floats in my mind.

My heart moans with sadness that we've been apart for so long. Imperfect people trying to survive the best we could.

I so badly want to hear your voice and learn of what you've been up to and what makes you happy. Do you still plant flowers and drink lots of iced tea? Your love of flowers was passes to me and when I see them, I think of you, especially red roses and sunflowers. My favorite smell is honeysuckle.

At my house, Mindy carries on your salad and birthday cake recipes, because they taste amazing and in honor of you.

I have hurt for your hurts. You are the most giving/serving person I have ever known. So selfless and unassuming, I thank you for you being you. My heart continues to break for The loss of Dad and Paul. I still stand by my principles/decisions, but I greatly struggle with not having seen them before they passed.

Shall we push all the junk aside and start over? I don't know how it will look, but I'll be damned if I lose another family member without reconciliation.

What do you say? I love you very much.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

I Reject Myself

A HUGE chunk of my life was wasted on being afraid of living freely and diving into things. I still find myself not engaging when it comes to people or experiences. It makes me sad to know this.

I reject myself before someone else does. At 41, I still have remnants of the insecure/hurting/scared little boy. At work/family/friends, I find that I engage quite easily, but outside of work (church, general public), I clam-up and go into protect mode.

Mindy continues to lovingly remind me that she knows when I'm in self-protect mode by my behaviors and comments toward others: hyper-critical, fault-finding, superior, condescending, suspicious, and aloof.

I am living proof that a person can be a loving and kind in one compartment of life and suspicious and judgmental in another. I remember the very day at age 12 when I decided people were not to be trusted and I withdrew myself.

This continues to cause a sadness in me. My personal challenge is to dive into things out of heart and let the cards fall as they may.

I start church softball league this Thursday. It's a just for "fun" league and it will hold two assignments for me: 1) have fun (easier said than done, for me) and 2) be friendly and don't harass my team with negative comments when they're sucking.

I'm glad God loves me enough to strip away fear and pride that cause the issues above. Only an insecure person needs to degrade and belittle people with sarcasm and condescension.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

Damage Control

Oh, you know the type: they collude, sneak, back-stab, start rumors, slander your character, dishonest about intentions/deceptive, manipulative, and just plain snake-like (figuratively and literally).

If they get found-out, they will do damage control: sickly sweet, over accommodating, constant check-ins, and anything else that will smooth it over with you.

They're really not concerned about making amends due to feelings of conviction, but rather to "appear" in a good light. It typically lasts for a small while, then you catch them again doing their sneaky serpentine behaviors. They don't really care for you, you are just someone to use to satisfy their desires and goals.

These types often present themselves as overly nice, incredibly sweet/charming, and endearing. When you call them out be prepared for some of the most vile things you've ever heard directed at you and about you. Sometimes, in dealing with these types, you must consider that they simply have no conscience. I believe through living and extensive research, that some are born without a conscience, and some have been so horribly brutalized that their psyche snaps/breaks (ability to feel convicted is covered by a jagged, hard shell).

While we're to love even our enemies, we must be careful to only surround ourselves with people that don't take advantage of us. Whether it be family, friends or coworkers, a "user" must be put at an arm's distance with healthy boundaries.

Has someone in your life that uses you AND talks shit about you, and all the while smiles and acts as if nothing has happened? You may consider that they are simply performing damage control.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Always, Never, and Forever

You always let me down!

You never support me!

You haven't put me first in your life in forever!

[insert the other million things you could use to replace above]

Examples of a hurting person that is attempting to get love the wrong way. Their need can't be quenched and people in their life will continually disappoint them. They will quite literally behave as a child having a tantrum in order to get/manipulate what they want.

The little kid having a tantrum is using guilt as a tool of manipulation. After inflammatory comments, they will pout by being extra quiet or cause drama. Though the person has a true void from childhood, they can't demand that people love them they way they dictate.

Famous quote from Mindy: "Will you give me a script I can read from, so I don't piss you off anymore?" Ouch and so true.

Are you one of these people? I know just a guy who is extremely familiar with this problem.


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

You Do Not Know What He Did To Me

First off, many of us know why we should forgive: so God can forgive us of our sins, and be released from a life-hindering grudge, so that we can move on and get healthy/well. Often, we think that forgiving a violator is going to make what they did ok/of no consequence. It does NOT make it ok and the relationship doesn't go back to the way it was like nothing happened.

This is easier said than done, because some have been so violated that the grudge/hatred/rage against the violator is boiling deep within. They have become so familiar with the grudge/hatred toward the violator, that it's a part of their life they really don't want to give up.

As much as we'd like to tell someone to forgive and move on, the person must be ready and willing, or the words of forgiveness will be empty and void of sincerity. Some have literally been talked into saying they forgive someone and their heart is not ready and they don't mean it.

Let's be sensitive and caring with a person who is hurting from traumatic events. We know what they need to do, but they have to work through a healing process that allows for sincere forgiveness. We typically don't forget what has happened to us after giving forgiveness, but when we look upon the abuse/event, we can pour mercy on it in knowing that Jesus died for our sins.

Ready to forgive someone that hasn't asked for your forgiveness for the wrongs committed against you?

Go to Jesus in prayer and say it out loud that you forgive [insert name]. If you'd like assistance in doing this, I would love to pray with you. The relief and freedom that comes with this is life-changing.


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Hanging on a Limb

There's that feeling you get when you put yourself out there to someone and wait with baited breath for a response. It's not that you expect it, but rather desire/hope that they do.

This place of vulnerability causes some to go into protection mode and they often will reject themselves before they allow another person to do it.

For me, trying to be friendly and engaging is as vulnerable as it gets. Don't get me wrong, I love people and want the best for them, I just have the social skills of 12-year-old boy that started playing by himself at recess, because people sucked so bad. With practice, patience, and humility , I will overcome this cycle/pattern.

I remain on the limb no matter how nervous I may get. Living from the heart is a challenge well worth the efforts.

Have a hard time like I do in this area? We can work on it together if you like.


Monday, February 13, 2012

She Wants Her Dad

Her heart longs for a Dad. A Dad that will listen to all her thoughts. A Dad that loves to give her big hugs. One that's interested in her dreams and ideas. One that makes things happen, so she can feel safe, secure, supported, encouraged and loved.

She wants to play and wrestle on the living room floor when he gets home from work. She wants a piggyback ride and he must sit at the miniature tea table like a gentleman.

She wants to be protected from scary dogs and mean kids. She wants to feel strong arms that hug her tightly. When she gets hurt, she wants to tell him how bad it was.

She wants to do special activities (only she and Dad can do them), as they are her special moments with her Dad. She likes his undivided attention and loves going to the park with Dad.

Dad must create special games and she can change the rules at any time. She loves the smell of his clothes and cologne--they are smells that are linked to good and safe and fun times.

She loves to hear how pretty she is and needs Dad to notice how cute she looks with new clothes and her hair done up.

He is a spiritual concrete that solidifies her value that has been assigned by God Himself. Her Dad is so important that she'll view God the same very way (good, bad, or indifferent) in her adult life.

An absent Dad (physical and/emotional) will starve her of the affirmations of her value. She prefers a kiss on the forehead over any gift/present he can try to make up with.

She wants him on the sideline and in the audience watching and smiling at her. Your availability and love will allow for her to grow from a solid foundation in which she can flourish and explore life. She wants to hold your hand, sit on your lap, and laugh as much as possible.

If her Dad isn't around or emotionally available, she will look outside the house for other men to affirm her. This is the very point where a girl sells her soul and dignity to be loved by some douche bag.

Here begins the uphill battle for the girl who is about to grow-up faster than she should.

Men: If there is a girl or woman in your life that could use some love and care, you be sure to do it. In God's family, He puts spiritual fathers in our lives to help fill the childhood voids.

God bless those men that are grandfathers and spiritual fathers to girls needing one.


At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self. (Brendan Francis)

If you want to explore why you feel terribly lonely even in the midst of family, friends, and God--hit me up and we'll "go there."

Enough said........


The Victim

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. (Galatians 5:1 MSG)

More people than we'd like to think are victims of horrible things.

Some of these victims will create an identity/mindset around being a victim. Out of their hurt, they will assume the role of victim and/or use it to manipulate others. They often feel that others are always looking to do them harm.

Everyone is out to get the "victim." They can take just about any situation, argument, discussion, event and turn it around to where they feel sorry for themselves and seek to get pity from person they're interacting with.

The getting pity tactic is a form of manipulation that they'll use to get what they want/their way. Some Christian "victims" will look to blame people and supernatural beings for persecuting them. Truth be told, their wounded-ness causes a skewed worldview and they tend to make bad life decisions.

The "victim" will often say that "everyone" is out to get them and they've been dealt a bad hand in life. This is a total cop-out and allows for them to blame other things and people for the bad stuff in their life.

Some will identify with the victim role and they'll believe lies about being entitled to handouts and special treatment from friends, family, and the government.

If you or someone you know identifies with being The Victim, start praying immediately that the lies be revealed and be replaced by the truth. The Victim role is very deep rooted and will take a complete willingness to address, as it usually is comprised of many layers of lies/junk.

Please know that I have the utmost compassion for victims of abuse. This post is more about false identities (The Victim) getting in the way of living a life of freedom from the past. Sometimes people get afraid of addressing past/present abuse and choose a life of denial and utter dysfunction--

Let me know if you'd like a hand with this: whether you be The Victim or a victim of The Victim.


Friday, February 10, 2012

Thanks, Captain Obvious!

You bless the world with your incredibly well-timed comments that add so much value to problems and conversations.

What would we do without you? Your are an integral part of every situation. Your ability to state the obvious is truly commendable. Your ability to insert yourself in conversations is impressive. Your assumption that all people are dumb allows for you to share your knowledge to everyone and at all times.

The sad part is, you are the jack-wagon and nobody likes the obvious stated as if it's going to solve the issue.

I still agape love you, but I dislike you very much.


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Do not make me slap you, Beavis.

I cringe when I see or hear of parents that discipline their children out of anger. There's arm pulling/yanking, slapping, knuckling, hair pulling, flicking, pinching, and I'm sure the child is benefitting from it in a multitude of ways (note sarcasm).

Does asking for some candy warrant a neck wrench? Does being bored and hungry warrant an arm pinch that leaves a bruise? Does having an opinion warrant a slap? Does going to the store/any place when a child is tired and hungry sound like a good idea?

A child that responds well to correction, will never think to be afraid or flinch. The child responds well, because they feel loved and safe around you. You've done a lot more hugging and kissing than you've "disciplined" them.

If you MUST hurt someone, try that sh!t on me; I'll introduce your teeth to the back of your skull.


Dear Parents

Don't be insecure, worried, or threatened by your child that isn't just like you or how your pretend child "should" be.

What they do with their hair or how they dress isn't really a concern of yours. The food they like/dislike is not something you can change. Their imagination and creativity should not intimidate you.

Please refrain from attempting to squash your child by forcing them to be more like you or the social norm you subscribe to. If you like fishing and your son doesn't, try bonding over a shared interest and don't make him feel bad for not liking fishing. If you like football and require your boy to play, you forgot one really important question, "Son, do you like football and do you think you might enjoy playing?" It can be anything where you force your likes onto your children and get butt-hurt when they don't jump for joy.

Let your child flourish naturally and come alongside them with support for their endeavors. Caring more for their person is far better than being fixated on what they'll be according to societal/church norms.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Pretend Play

Controlling men will often require that their wives/girlfriends be some ideal fantasy they've constructed in their head over time.

Here are some common ones:

1. She loves to cook and will never complain about it.

2. She will always be fit and look hot.

3. She will only wear clothes that have been "allowed."

4. She will only say things that are appropriate and pleasing.

5. She will be joyful, bubbly, and ready to serve at social functions.

6. She will not argue or have opinions.

7. She will do what she's told at all times.

8. [insert pretend play expectation of wife/girlfriend here]

Controllers still pretend play. They don't want a woman to be who she is, but rather a pretend version of what they need to feel better about themselves.

Monday, February 6, 2012

A Knife in Your Back

They're just so cute and endearing. Warm smile and beaming eyes that could melt the coldest heart.

Their words pull you in with arms like vines. Their presence is pleasant, like a butterfly in a flower garden. You look to please them with gifts of your time, money, and resources.

Just as you feel the safest, you feel a searing hot pain in your back that burns with hellfire. You've been brutally stabbed in the back and your'e speechless.

You look at the person with eyes of betrayal and wonder how it's possible that such a nice person be so vindictive and cruel.

While God loves even the backstabbers, we must use wisdom in dealing with them. They like to use, manipulate, and pit people against each other.

They are much like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

No matter how cunningly he conceals his malice, eventually his evil will be exposed in public. (Proverbs 26:26 MSG)


Friday, February 3, 2012

The Martyr

We all know what the literal definition of a martyr is. Not many are called to willfully die to communicate a message. All Christians are called to stand for their beliefs at any cost (which could be our life).

The Martyr, I speak of, is the person who always goes above and beyond to make sure everyone is taken care of. Now, this sounds like a noble behavior, but it often comes from not feeling worthy to receive help, blessings, or compliments.

The Matyr is easily distinguished in any situation you find yourself in. This person will be doing everything and starts to resent people around them for it. They will feel unappreciated, unnoticed, and taken for granted. When The Martyr is feeling resentful, they will make jabbing remarks to the people they do things for.

They often are characterized by having a void (neglected in basic emotional needs) from childhood and want to be noticed for all the good things they do. It's as if they think they can get love from doing "things." They fall trap to putting everyone first and performing acts of selflessness as a means of creating their value. Their value was already established before they were born.

Martyrs are good souls that truly want to give and receive love, but they have it all backwards: God's grace, love, acceptance, and forgiveness are free gifts.


Thursday, February 2, 2012

You are Batsh!t Crazy!

We take medications for many ailments. Not all are good, but some are vitally important for survival and quality of life.

I abhor the pervasive attitude that Americans, dare I say Christians, think that medicine for the brain is not ok for a brain that is physiologically deficient in chemicals needed to feel normal, joyful, even-keeled, etc......

Here's a typical day of a guy I know really well--without brain chemistry meds:

"I wake up feeling nervous, depressed, guilty and just want to curl-up and sleep. As I get ready for work, my stomach is in a knot and I feel like crawling out of my skin. The thought of things needing to be done weigh on me like a ton of bricks. It all feels very insurmountable. At work, I feel anti-social and try to hide as much as possible. Any/all human interaction is loathed and irritating. When I get home from work, I feel like sitting on the couch and burying myself into a TV show. I want to interact with my family, but I almost feel paralyzed to a point where it would seem painful to get off the couch. When something exciting happens, I don't feel happy about it. When something bad happens, I feel numb. I generally feel numb, apathetic, and unmotivated all of the time. I just barely function and sometimes just feel like quitting."

The brain is just as vital as any other body part to take care of. For people that have experienced perpetual traumatic events, the brain has been depleted of its natural chemicals that allow for a person to feel joy, level-headed, focused, calm, peaceful, able to transition, etc.... These chemicals are referred to as neurotransmitters. If your brain is low on one or more of them, you will see it play out in your life in a negative manner. You're not necessarily Batsh!t Crazy like many would like to label those with neurotransmitter deficiencies I apologize to you for anyone that has called you crazy or unstable. This is like someone calling another "weak" for needing insulin.

If you'd like to talk more on this, please feel free to FB message or call me.


The Ramones Suck

If you like Punk music, you almost have to like The Ramones. The Ramones suck. If you get down to the actual music and lyrics these bozos put out, you'll want to laugh.

So many people will do or act in any way that will make them "cool." Most don't even like what they're doing, but need to be accepted in any way possible. When I was growing up, we called these people "posers."

If you're a Christian, I recommend cleansing your mind of any talk on being cool. Being cool is so far away from the things we're to be focusing on.

Just be yourself with no concern of how you may appear to others. "Cool" does not exist. Cool infers that there's the uncool. Insecure bullies like to force their likes on anyone around them. These bullies aren't so obvious like they were in school, they are the ones that subtlety make biting comments on how you look, walk, talk, clothes, food you eat, color of your hair, and the list goes on.

If you squash what you like to do, say, wear, believe in, you're trying to be "cool."


It is a Conspiracy!

You are just too smart to deal with idiots. You call in sick all the time. Your boss is a DB and coworkers have serious issues. You're just not appreciated and should have a better job than this one. All your coworkers gossip about you and want nothing more than to bring you down. You can't understand why they hate you. The world revolves around your mood. You complain to everyone and just KNOW you could do it better.

You may consider that it's you that needs repair.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

If You Were Just Like Me......'d require more of your friends than you're willing to give.


1 : the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence

It's nice to think that relationships could be mutually fulfilling. It's a good thing to want someone who is affectionate and loving back to us.

It goes from being good to bad when one person, out of their wounded-ness/garbage, wants you to fulfill a void that only God can fill in their life. When a person puts an extreme need on a friend the relationship can get strained.

I believe Christians form a spiritual family that can look to meet some needs of the hurting: love, acceptance, support, a listening ear, etc.... However, when a person starts to demand they be treated "mutually" (a perception that is often skewed/untrue), the natural/organic flow of the relationship gets interrupted. It will get to feel forced and awkward.

With regards to unconditional love, I have placed some conditions on friends that they have my "standards" and my wounded guy demands reciprocation. This is unhealthy. If I'm living from my heart, I'll give myself freely, without expecting anything in return. Word.


Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. (Psalm 119:29 MSG)

Typically, we think of lying in terms of something we do to another person. We wouldn't lie to ourselves, right? That would be preposterous! What kind of person does that?

You need not look far: place your hand on your cheek gently and you've found him/her.


I can afford this new car (budget already hurting).

I'll be just fine with a few smokes a day (smoking is really bad on the lungs and makes asthma worse).

I'm not addicted to porn, I feel okay with the amount I'm watching. Everyone looks at it, so I'm probably doing better than most.

I don't fantasize about real/unreal men/women. I never feel attracted to people?

I don't need love and affection. I'm not worth it.

I don't have value unless I become "successful."

I will never give my whole heart to another.

All men are pigs and women, sluts.

I won't submit to anyone or thing.

At least I'm not crazy like "those" people. (You just hide your secrets better).

I'm not hyper-critical of people or point out everyone's faults. I don't keep a record of wrongs done to me.

I've never hated or kept a grudge against anyone.

I don't gossip, I just share info out of "concern."

I'm pretty sure what I speculate is true and safe to share with others.

You get the picture. One of the most difficult things to do is admit that you lie to yourself/believe lies. When you can do that, healing can begin.

What do you lie about to yourself? If you want to talk, feel free to call, text and/or write:

Cell: 775-830-1764


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Vilified.

Some of us have had the unfortunate displeasure of being vilified. We all know that people make mistakes, but some people will be so offended that they'll go on a mission to make you pay over and over again. They'll smear your name with a vengeance straight from hell.

Forget that you've asked for forgiveness, because the person has appointed them self as the exactor of judgement and any/everyone will hear about your mistakes. This exactor will not rest until your reputation is in shambles.

The hypocrisy of the exactor is quite ironic in that he/she will demand you pay the price, but wants all the grace in the world regarding their mistakes. Many people have been badly hurt from the smear campaign and sometimes lose friendships after being forgiven of their transgressions.

If you've been vilified into a scapegoat, there's a good chance you fear and worry that your transgressions have been, or will be, told. Let me know if you'd like to talk through it.


Friday, January 27, 2012

I am NOT Sorry!

Are you ALWAYS "wrong" and yielding to "authority" figures or controllers in your life. Have you been so controlled that you're automatically the one to blame, because there "must" be something wrong with you? You're so brainwashed/programmed that you start to doubt yourself at the core: opinions/ideas/concerns/questions. You won't even ask questions you're strongly convicted to ask, because you doubt all your motives.

Controllers love and will allow for you to doubt yourself on the most basic of things; they get-off on it. You lose yourself in the controller and look to them to make your decisions for you.

As you start to think for yourself, the controller will say little things to make you feel guilty. "Are you sure that's the best decision? "So and so loves you very much." "This will change how thinks look/go-down." Those are just a few comments that controllers use to guilt you back into submission.

I'm not sorry for thinking on my own. I will ask "why?" about everything. I will not assume you are right. If you don't value my input, I'll leave you standing by your bad-self.

This post isn't about being rebellious or disrespectful to people, but rather to have a Godly confidence in your intelligence and gifting. Control is oppression and Jesus came to set the captives free. Word.

Is somebody controlling you?

I can help in this area if you want.

The Savior Complex

I knew something was wrong early on in my family. I became horribly codependent to my family members, because I tried to fix them. I would try very hard to make sure each person was cared for/enabled. I spent so many years making fake peace and catering to dysfunction, I lost myself. I gave all my energy to "save" my family, I had no clue who I was.

To my dismay, my family continued to participate in destructive patterns and my efforts started to feel futile. I was beginning to realize that I couldn't "save" them. This realization caused much heart-ache and pain. I was just trying to help.

I then realized that through immaturity, I had been trying to do the Holy Spirit's job. I was also straining against God's gift of free will to all wo/man. No matter my extreme efforts, the person would choose for them self what they were going to do in every situation.

Ever wanted someone healed of any struggle they may have, more than them? I took emergency leave on a couple of occasions from the Marine Corps to attempt to save family members of drug addictions. I did not save them. My efforts changed nothing. They had free will. This is where I learned the prayer was the route to go for them. God, nor I, will violate someone's free will.

Are you trying to "save" someone? Trying to make them happier and nicer? Trying to place the broken pieces into place with your own hands?

Sorry to break it to ya, but you are severely codependent and delusional. You have good intentions, but it's not your job/place to save people. One of the hardest things I had to do with my family of origin was to create boundaries that would allow them to be responsible for themselves and no longer enable them or be a scapegoat for them. It's a tough road to walk, and true sadness will happen, but the freedom and peace comes from God.

Start asking yourself what friend or family member you're trying to save/codependent to: who takes all your energy and only causes you pain? Be careful to know the difference between helping and saving.

If you're interested in reading in private on codependency from a Christian perspective, I recommend "Love is a Choice." This book will change your life as I believe it is truly God-inspired:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

When the Gloves Come Off

In every/any relationship, people will do some proverbial bare-knuckle fighting. You WILL win the argument at any cost. Your need to be right will outweigh all that wisdom and rationality have to offer.

I remember being so enraged during arguments that I would mentally realize that I was wrong, or the argument was over something petty, but insisted on being right/smarter/dominant. The intensity of an argument is equal to the garbage/lies/insecurities that Person A and B bring to the battle. The content of the battle could be small and silly, but when pride shows up, it gets plain dumb.

Knuckles aren't the only weapon used during these battles: spears, knives, scissors, darts, bricks, rocks, that all serve to injure the opponent. An argument over how to properly clean something in the house could end up in poisonous words that wound. How did we get to bringing up my past mistakes when we were only talking about how the bathroom should be cleaned?

Arguing and heated discussions are healthy for growing relationships. The line is crossed when the words are meant to wound: this is what we call sin. Why do I sin so much when I argue over anything/nothing? I'm glad you asked. My junk (unhealed mind and spiritual oppression/demonic) get triggered by innocent and innocuous comments that I may perceive as a knock on who I think I am. For example, my dad was a domineering man that would be right about everything and I would be wrong/submit. I made a subconscious vow to never be dominated by anyone ever again. I improperly applied this vow to all people that may disrespect me in any perceived manner. So, if Mindy were to say, "I dont't think what you did was right." That would trigger my disrespect issue and I would go into a rage that would get her under my control quickly with mind games and intimidation. Also, there are things I would say to Mindy that pushed her buttons and her past junk would come right into the present. So, not only do we get triggered while arguing, but we also know what buttons to push to get a rise out of someone. It's an evil//sinful tactic.

If you know of areas that your response/reaction is disproportionate to the circumstance, you can start asking yourself why it angers, or hurts you so much. Why would simple ideas and recommendations send you into a rage?

If you're interested in following the smoke trail back to the fire, let me know and I can provide some passistance.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Abuse in the name of God

The church is an appealing place for the power-hungry, performance-trapped, people-pleasing types and they often strive for positions of leadership to fill voids of love and acceptance. The flip-side of this are those that go to church to brown-nose and make the leader an idol.

We're all a work in progress, but those appointed as leaders are held to a higher standard/accountability, and some of them are abusing their position. They "help" others by using scripture and common misguided Christianisms to solve or fix someone that always leaves the person feeling guilty or more confused. Here are a few examples:

1. Person seeking guidance asks the leader why he/she can't stop feeling depressed. The leader answers dogmatically, "This is the day the Lord has made, you 'should' be glad and rejoice in it."

2. Girl having suicidal thoughts vulnerably asks the leader why life is so bad and intolerable and the leader provides a "lovely" platitude, "You 'should' pull yourself up by your boot-straps and marvel at all of God's creations. When you do this, you will never want to think negatively again."

3. Drug addict whose life is in shambles asks the leader if he could get some help/assistance in being free of the addiction. The hard-charging and ignorant leader says, "When you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, all the chains of addiction were removed. You are a new creation and never look at the past. Go and live in the knowledge of this."

Scriptures are true/God-inspired; however, they can be used to minimize and even dismiss pain the person feels. The scripture being used is an attempt too eradicate the smoke, but doesn't even come close to the fire burning deep within. Scriptures are better used after discussions on why the person is hurting to affirm God's truths over any lies the person believes about themselves or others. The mind will not be renewed by simply jamming scripture and platitudes down the throat of the hurting. Love is kind and is fully interested in why someone hurts.

Many people that I've lay-ministered in healing hurts have at least one very hurtful experience with their last church. Spiritual abuse is so very damaging, because it can have long-lasting negative effects on one's view of Christ and his followers. In essence, taking a wounded person and crushing him/her even more.

If you're not willing to listen and give mercy to a hurting person without giving a quick fix, please keep your mouth shut and refer them to me or others equipped to handle the situation.



God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. (Psalm 34:4 MSG)

Many people have been so verbally and physically abused that they have become gun-shy: hesitant, wary, or distrustful, especially because of previous unpleasant experience(s).

This causes a protective posture in dealing with people in general. It often translates into a person being suspicious of all human interaction. Someone who is suspicious of people often become hyper-critical; therefore, keeping themselves safe from being hurt.

After all these years, I can slip back into feeling suspicious and judging people. The Lord is asking me to continue my spiritual growth by addressing this life-hindering mindset/behavior. It's one thing to protect your heart, and another to hide your heart. Fear is at the root of it all, and pride is the protection measure.

Anyone else distrusting of people and want to change that?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Stupid People

"Let me see you stripped down to the bone." (Depeche Mode)

Other than the physical possibilities of the lyrics above, there are deeper and more spiritual parallels to be considered.

He shines a spotlight into caves of darkness, hauls deepest darkness into the noonday sun. (Job 12:22 MSG)

Light made a way into a cave of mine and revealed that I don't like people in general. Don't get me wrong here, I like and love a big group of people in my life and look to help, but in social situations, I feel awkward as fu@$. I'd like to blame it on being introverted and shy, but the reality is that people make life tough for me. I need them, but I don't want them.

I know I'm getting off-track when I overly-criticize people. It usually centers around me feeling irritated with their lack or intelligence or irritating behaviors they display. Like I'm so easy to approach and be around. I'm the most perfect and pleasant person I know. ;)

A major contradiction in my life is being revealed once again by the Light: I talk about community and people loving on each other through friendship, but I'm not willing to go there. Mindy kindly reminded me yesterday that I'm missing out on great friendships, because I think I can't relate and they're corny.

I do think most people are dumb and corny and God is working on me. If I'm going to live from my heart, I have to be vulnerable enough to risk rejection. This has proven to be the toughest struggle of my life: trusting others with my sensitive heart.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Rock the Boat

Many of us have, or have had, a person in our lives that we tip-toe around. The person is destructive to them self and their friends and loved ones. We don't want to encounter any conflict, so we unhealthily enable them to be destructive. For many, the confrontation with the person will cause verbal and physical abuse. To live in this kind of fear is traumatizing.

We as individuals need to decide how long we'll put up with the abuse. This is easier said than done, because many are wives and children that can't easily escape/leave the abuse. When I say "abuse" I'm not speaking of physical abuse only--there are so many other soul-damaging abuses.

This is where I believe that we can assist the abused in talking, praying, and seeking healthier options. We won't confront the abuser at his house, or seek to do him/her harm, but rather equip the abused with truths and practical steps. Some abusers will acknowledge and repent from what they do and others don't choose to change. It's these abusers that we must separate ourselves from and let them decide to change or else.

If we don't rock the boat, we are sure to lose ourselves.


Loose Cannon

A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones. (Proverbs 14:30 MSG)

After a single traumatic event, or repeated/perpetual abuse, a human's ability to look at most things begins to be terribly skewed. They've been told or perceived a pack of lies and they operate under them.

What are your triggers? Here's a list of mine that ruled my life for many years:
1. Anything said may cause me to believe that you've disrespected me.
2. When I felt poor or undeserving, I spent plastic money.
3. When I felt left out, I would pout and play mind games on the people that didn't involve me.
4. If my honesty was ever questioned (even when I was lying), I would see/feel red, blinding rage, and would either hit something or intimidate the questioner into submission (via mind games and intimidating posture). I could literally twist everything I'd done wrong and make the questioner feel like they were wrong and at fault. My ability to out-argue just about anyone was an abuse of a gift from God (critical thinking).

Take a look at the triggers that cause you to be a loose cannon. A great way to tell if you've been triggered is: you knee-jerk react by yelling harsh/hurtful things to loved ones and after you've cooled down, you realize that you've just behaved in an irrational manner. Typically, you have to say sorry a lot.

Wouldn't it be nice to get to the root of the problem and heal it there? How you're behaving now is just the smoke of the real fire/problem deep inside. I know Someone that gives truth right at the root and removes the lie/infection/poison and gives freedom.

If you are a loose cannon in any situation and would like some help, please feel free to contact me. I will listen, pray, and suggest practical and spiritual ways to work towards healing with Jesus. The renewing of the mind (the unscrewing of the screwy) causes a sound mind that brings freedom.

Unresolved issues/lies cause several health issues by the resentment that burns below.

My cell: 775-830-1764. Text or call.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

No Strings Attached

We often don't think of how much we expect after having done something for someone. We tend to attach an expectation to many things we do in a day.

"I cooked dinner and the least you people can do is clear the dishes."

"I worked all day and shouldn't have to do anything at night."

"I helped at the church for years and you'd think I'd get some extra privileges ."

"I won't give you my heart unless you prove your love, because I've been hurt too many times."

You get the picture.

Living/giving/serving from our God-given heart is an unconditional act of love that forgets as soon as possible what good has been done.

Pride demands and insists that "we get what we have coming to us."

After being hurt a lot, we look to protect our heart by being suspicious, jaded, too picky, mean, stubborn, and all for keeping our heart from being more damaged. The main challenge is to trust God with what happens and live from our hearts in a way that we're acting out of love and we're being our true selves with no strings attached.

What do you resent people for? This question will help you discover areas you're not giving from your heart.

Friday, January 13, 2012

She Cries

For most of my childhood, I could hear my mom crying at night. I was worried for her and fearful of my environment. My mind reeled with possibilities on what was wrong. At the very least, I could gather that she was extremely sad. Some nights she would get in my bed and cry on my shoulder. I was too young to process, so I checked-out.

A big part of my bleeding heart for hurting women is due to my mom crying so much. I have a soft spot for females and the challenges they face. After doing some living, I noticed that a lot of men were mean and demeaning to females. This strengthened my resolve to help them (only if they wanted it, of course).

I had a guy ask me a very hard question about 5 years ago: "Jay, do you think that you're trying to save your mom by helping other females?" I said, "It's quite possible and all the worry for her caused a compassion that compelled me to help."

Out of much pain a ministry rises.

I can only imagine how many women go to bed feeling sad, fearful, controlled, intimidated, unappreciated, and taken for granted by their "man."

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Anger Machine

An angry and/or absent father causes an angry son. Those boys bullied at home will have contempt for all perceived authority figures: teachers, coaches, gov't, parents, adults, and so on.

A boy that's disappointed, marginalized, ignored, abused, depressed, will burn with anger like lava erupting from a mountain.

The emotion of anger helps to tell what's hurting/wrong. Anger that boils in a pot too long becomes harmful and unhealthy for all involved. Anger unattended becomes bitterness and hatred for people--and one's self.

If you know of a boy or man that has issues with rage, please send him my way. I was The Anger Machine.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Where have you been, dude?

Well, I needed some time to rest and reevaluate what's important to me and who I would focus my attention on. I slept in on Sundays and went to the hot tub with Mindy. We had some very intense conversations about life and the pain that happens when you're involved with people. "People are people, so why should it be, that you and I should get along so awfully?" Thank you, Depeche Mode.

Grace is hard to give when you're hurt.

That being said, people really are just people, and love/grace covers a multitude of sins/shortcomings. Believe me, I have sinned against others and received grace from them.

It has taken about 2.5 years to learn what the Lord was throwing down on this iteration of insight. I'm slowly, but surely, opening back up to relational and pastoral opportunities. I've come to the conclusion that I am a pastor and always have been (I've been an Associate Pastor for two churches: Reno & 29 Palms). I came to strongly doubt this and questioned myself at the very core. The doubting is over. So, I will move forward as a pastor, no matter how it looks here on earth. I am open and willing. Word.

I currently attend Summit Christian Church with my lady clan. I haven't facilitated any Theophostic sessions in a couple of years. Mindy and I are doing well in our jobs. The girls are doing well in school. If you have any questions on why I left my last church or why I went off the grid, please feel free to ask.


Magically Delicious

A big misconception amongst Christians, is that when they're saved, their problems/weaknesses/struggles all go away. They've misunderstood/misapplied some scriptures that say that they're a new creature and their old self is gone. That's a whole other lesson.

As they go to bed, the flood of thoughts tell the true story: fears, bad dreams, conflict with others, tears and strife, lying, controlling, insecurities, addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping/buying, drama, rage, jealousy, lust, porn, etc.) are still there.

This has caused many Christians into hiding and pretending that they're fine. Everything is great when you ask them and their proverbial white knuckles are showing. Now, they've compounded the perceived impasse of being Christian/still struggling and pride that requires the hiding of the truth: you're not ok, and faking/performing for yourself and others, is a LIE.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2 NLT)

God will provide insights into broken areas and will provide healing and freedom in those areas: only if you're open, willing, and apply spiritual and practical remedies.

If you're still pretending that you're okay, your issues will not magically disappear, for they are not magically delicious.

Want to work through some things? I can help facilitate through payer, practical applications, and some very honest conversations. All meeting will be 100% confidential between you, me, God and whomever you wish to entrust the info with.

I urge you to not wait another day.


Monday, January 9, 2012

What are your qualifications, sir?

The educated still tend to get pompous about what is needed to do certain things. When it comes to serving the extremely hurting, there are some concrete skills/stages/background that are needed, so one doesn't get consumed by the stories of abuse they hear:

1. Love from your heart (only a healthy heart can give without expecting).
2. Ensure your heart is at a fairly healthy stage (healing and extensive study).
3. Love Jesus (know Him intimately through prayer and His Word).
4. Love people (look to help everytime your heart says to).
5. Have some life experience to share wisdom from.

I come from a broken home where I am the only one not addicted to drugs right now. My father and brother have passed from drug-related incidents. This is not where I try to convince anyone how tough my life's been, so don't worry about that.

In order to be free of a million layers of trash, I have spent 10+ years going through counseling for my own issues. I have spent about 3 years helping others with theirs.

I could list my degrees and courses achieved, but I'll save that for those that like to put them in their signature block.


The Other People

Only the really messed-up people need emotional and mind healing/renewal, right? The question is rhetorical, because everybody hurts (REM) to some extent. The magnitude of pain/baggage differs from one person to another. Some Christians think they're completely free of garbage and look to enlighten The Other People. When we're free of garbage, we won't be located on earth.

Who do I look to help? Anyone with enough humility to recognize there's brokenness inside of them and they'd like to be free of it.

Who does my heart particularly bleed for? For girls and women who have been sexually violated/physically-verbally-psychologically-spiritually-emotionally abused, or still are, and the agonizing effects that affect their present life and decisions: broken relationships, self-hatred, compromising of one's self, addiction, etc....

If you or someone you know could use somebody to talk to and pray with, please call, text, or email me. My wife always accompanies me when helping females.

Cell: 775-830-1764

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Suits and Candles

Even people that didn't want to make a cookie-cutter church, made uniquely the same cookie-cutter churches: candles, coffee, dimly lit, couches, round tables, and British-styled worship music. In essence, we've gone from suits and rules to hipsters and lattes. "Church" gets repackaged every so many years, so may we be more focused on sincerity and sensitivity to all around us. It makes no difference whether your hair is blue and have tattoos everywhere, or you're clean-cut and wear a suit on Sunday--the focus should always be meeting people where they're at and giving some loving kindness. May we get over how cool we think we are.

With that said, I believe that each type of person is a vital part to building the kingdom.

Nothing New Under the Sun

History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Ecclesiastes 1:9
As much as we'd like to think we're creating the coolest ministries ever, we are simply doing what's been done before, with a pretty corny name/label. This venture won't propose or suppose any new ideas on serving the hurting.

Friday, January 6, 2012


I started this blog to start dialoguing on a new endeavor. I don't know much at this point, but I do know that my heart bleeds for the hurting (all forms) and I want to develop ways to practically and spiritually meet people where they are and ask how I (and a group of link-minded people) might help. I'll need ideas/input from you--as much as you are willing to give. I would appreciate your prayers and can take hard criticism. Please ask ALL the questions that come to your mind.