Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Vilified.

Some of us have had the unfortunate displeasure of being vilified. We all know that people make mistakes, but some people will be so offended that they'll go on a mission to make you pay over and over again. They'll smear your name with a vengeance straight from hell.

Forget that you've asked for forgiveness, because the person has appointed them self as the exactor of judgement and any/everyone will hear about your mistakes. This exactor will not rest until your reputation is in shambles.

The hypocrisy of the exactor is quite ironic in that he/she will demand you pay the price, but wants all the grace in the world regarding their mistakes. Many people have been badly hurt from the smear campaign and sometimes lose friendships after being forgiven of their transgressions.

If you've been vilified into a scapegoat, there's a good chance you fear and worry that your transgressions have been, or will be, told. Let me know if you'd like to talk through it.


Friday, January 27, 2012

I am NOT Sorry!

Are you ALWAYS "wrong" and yielding to "authority" figures or controllers in your life. Have you been so controlled that you're automatically the one to blame, because there "must" be something wrong with you? You're so brainwashed/programmed that you start to doubt yourself at the core: opinions/ideas/concerns/questions. You won't even ask questions you're strongly convicted to ask, because you doubt all your motives.

Controllers love and will allow for you to doubt yourself on the most basic of things; they get-off on it. You lose yourself in the controller and look to them to make your decisions for you.

As you start to think for yourself, the controller will say little things to make you feel guilty. "Are you sure that's the best decision? "So and so loves you very much." "This will change how thinks look/go-down." Those are just a few comments that controllers use to guilt you back into submission.

I'm not sorry for thinking on my own. I will ask "why?" about everything. I will not assume you are right. If you don't value my input, I'll leave you standing by your bad-self.

This post isn't about being rebellious or disrespectful to people, but rather to have a Godly confidence in your intelligence and gifting. Control is oppression and Jesus came to set the captives free. Word.

Is somebody controlling you?

I can help in this area if you want.

The Savior Complex

I knew something was wrong early on in my family. I became horribly codependent to my family members, because I tried to fix them. I would try very hard to make sure each person was cared for/enabled. I spent so many years making fake peace and catering to dysfunction, I lost myself. I gave all my energy to "save" my family, I had no clue who I was.

To my dismay, my family continued to participate in destructive patterns and my efforts started to feel futile. I was beginning to realize that I couldn't "save" them. This realization caused much heart-ache and pain. I was just trying to help.

I then realized that through immaturity, I had been trying to do the Holy Spirit's job. I was also straining against God's gift of free will to all wo/man. No matter my extreme efforts, the person would choose for them self what they were going to do in every situation.

Ever wanted someone healed of any struggle they may have, more than them? I took emergency leave on a couple of occasions from the Marine Corps to attempt to save family members of drug addictions. I did not save them. My efforts changed nothing. They had free will. This is where I learned the prayer was the route to go for them. God, nor I, will violate someone's free will.

Are you trying to "save" someone? Trying to make them happier and nicer? Trying to place the broken pieces into place with your own hands?

Sorry to break it to ya, but you are severely codependent and delusional. You have good intentions, but it's not your job/place to save people. One of the hardest things I had to do with my family of origin was to create boundaries that would allow them to be responsible for themselves and no longer enable them or be a scapegoat for them. It's a tough road to walk, and true sadness will happen, but the freedom and peace comes from God.

Start asking yourself what friend or family member you're trying to save/codependent to: who takes all your energy and only causes you pain? Be careful to know the difference between helping and saving.

If you're interested in reading in private on codependency from a Christian perspective, I recommend "Love is a Choice." This book will change your life as I believe it is truly God-inspired:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

When the Gloves Come Off

In every/any relationship, people will do some proverbial bare-knuckle fighting. You WILL win the argument at any cost. Your need to be right will outweigh all that wisdom and rationality have to offer.

I remember being so enraged during arguments that I would mentally realize that I was wrong, or the argument was over something petty, but insisted on being right/smarter/dominant. The intensity of an argument is equal to the garbage/lies/insecurities that Person A and B bring to the battle. The content of the battle could be small and silly, but when pride shows up, it gets plain dumb.

Knuckles aren't the only weapon used during these battles: spears, knives, scissors, darts, bricks, rocks, that all serve to injure the opponent. An argument over how to properly clean something in the house could end up in poisonous words that wound. How did we get to bringing up my past mistakes when we were only talking about how the bathroom should be cleaned?

Arguing and heated discussions are healthy for growing relationships. The line is crossed when the words are meant to wound: this is what we call sin. Why do I sin so much when I argue over anything/nothing? I'm glad you asked. My junk (unhealed mind and spiritual oppression/demonic) get triggered by innocent and innocuous comments that I may perceive as a knock on who I think I am. For example, my dad was a domineering man that would be right about everything and I would be wrong/submit. I made a subconscious vow to never be dominated by anyone ever again. I improperly applied this vow to all people that may disrespect me in any perceived manner. So, if Mindy were to say, "I dont't think what you did was right." That would trigger my disrespect issue and I would go into a rage that would get her under my control quickly with mind games and intimidation. Also, there are things I would say to Mindy that pushed her buttons and her past junk would come right into the present. So, not only do we get triggered while arguing, but we also know what buttons to push to get a rise out of someone. It's an evil//sinful tactic.

If you know of areas that your response/reaction is disproportionate to the circumstance, you can start asking yourself why it angers, or hurts you so much. Why would simple ideas and recommendations send you into a rage?

If you're interested in following the smoke trail back to the fire, let me know and I can provide some passistance.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Abuse in the name of God

The church is an appealing place for the power-hungry, performance-trapped, people-pleasing types and they often strive for positions of leadership to fill voids of love and acceptance. The flip-side of this are those that go to church to brown-nose and make the leader an idol.

We're all a work in progress, but those appointed as leaders are held to a higher standard/accountability, and some of them are abusing their position. They "help" others by using scripture and common misguided Christianisms to solve or fix someone that always leaves the person feeling guilty or more confused. Here are a few examples:

1. Person seeking guidance asks the leader why he/she can't stop feeling depressed. The leader answers dogmatically, "This is the day the Lord has made, you 'should' be glad and rejoice in it."

2. Girl having suicidal thoughts vulnerably asks the leader why life is so bad and intolerable and the leader provides a "lovely" platitude, "You 'should' pull yourself up by your boot-straps and marvel at all of God's creations. When you do this, you will never want to think negatively again."

3. Drug addict whose life is in shambles asks the leader if he could get some help/assistance in being free of the addiction. The hard-charging and ignorant leader says, "When you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, all the chains of addiction were removed. You are a new creation and never look at the past. Go and live in the knowledge of this."

Scriptures are true/God-inspired; however, they can be used to minimize and even dismiss pain the person feels. The scripture being used is an attempt too eradicate the smoke, but doesn't even come close to the fire burning deep within. Scriptures are better used after discussions on why the person is hurting to affirm God's truths over any lies the person believes about themselves or others. The mind will not be renewed by simply jamming scripture and platitudes down the throat of the hurting. Love is kind and is fully interested in why someone hurts.

Many people that I've lay-ministered in healing hurts have at least one very hurtful experience with their last church. Spiritual abuse is so very damaging, because it can have long-lasting negative effects on one's view of Christ and his followers. In essence, taking a wounded person and crushing him/her even more.

If you're not willing to listen and give mercy to a hurting person without giving a quick fix, please keep your mouth shut and refer them to me or others equipped to handle the situation.



God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. (Psalm 34:4 MSG)

Many people have been so verbally and physically abused that they have become gun-shy: hesitant, wary, or distrustful, especially because of previous unpleasant experience(s).

This causes a protective posture in dealing with people in general. It often translates into a person being suspicious of all human interaction. Someone who is suspicious of people often become hyper-critical; therefore, keeping themselves safe from being hurt.

After all these years, I can slip back into feeling suspicious and judging people. The Lord is asking me to continue my spiritual growth by addressing this life-hindering mindset/behavior. It's one thing to protect your heart, and another to hide your heart. Fear is at the root of it all, and pride is the protection measure.

Anyone else distrusting of people and want to change that?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Stupid People

"Let me see you stripped down to the bone." (Depeche Mode)

Other than the physical possibilities of the lyrics above, there are deeper and more spiritual parallels to be considered.

He shines a spotlight into caves of darkness, hauls deepest darkness into the noonday sun. (Job 12:22 MSG)

Light made a way into a cave of mine and revealed that I don't like people in general. Don't get me wrong here, I like and love a big group of people in my life and look to help, but in social situations, I feel awkward as fu@$. I'd like to blame it on being introverted and shy, but the reality is that people make life tough for me. I need them, but I don't want them.

I know I'm getting off-track when I overly-criticize people. It usually centers around me feeling irritated with their lack or intelligence or irritating behaviors they display. Like I'm so easy to approach and be around. I'm the most perfect and pleasant person I know. ;)

A major contradiction in my life is being revealed once again by the Light: I talk about community and people loving on each other through friendship, but I'm not willing to go there. Mindy kindly reminded me yesterday that I'm missing out on great friendships, because I think I can't relate and they're corny.

I do think most people are dumb and corny and God is working on me. If I'm going to live from my heart, I have to be vulnerable enough to risk rejection. This has proven to be the toughest struggle of my life: trusting others with my sensitive heart.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Rock the Boat

Many of us have, or have had, a person in our lives that we tip-toe around. The person is destructive to them self and their friends and loved ones. We don't want to encounter any conflict, so we unhealthily enable them to be destructive. For many, the confrontation with the person will cause verbal and physical abuse. To live in this kind of fear is traumatizing.

We as individuals need to decide how long we'll put up with the abuse. This is easier said than done, because many are wives and children that can't easily escape/leave the abuse. When I say "abuse" I'm not speaking of physical abuse only--there are so many other soul-damaging abuses.

This is where I believe that we can assist the abused in talking, praying, and seeking healthier options. We won't confront the abuser at his house, or seek to do him/her harm, but rather equip the abused with truths and practical steps. Some abusers will acknowledge and repent from what they do and others don't choose to change. It's these abusers that we must separate ourselves from and let them decide to change or else.

If we don't rock the boat, we are sure to lose ourselves.


Loose Cannon

A sound mind makes for a robust body, but runaway emotions corrode the bones. (Proverbs 14:30 MSG)

After a single traumatic event, or repeated/perpetual abuse, a human's ability to look at most things begins to be terribly skewed. They've been told or perceived a pack of lies and they operate under them.

What are your triggers? Here's a list of mine that ruled my life for many years:
1. Anything said may cause me to believe that you've disrespected me.
2. When I felt poor or undeserving, I spent plastic money.
3. When I felt left out, I would pout and play mind games on the people that didn't involve me.
4. If my honesty was ever questioned (even when I was lying), I would see/feel red, blinding rage, and would either hit something or intimidate the questioner into submission (via mind games and intimidating posture). I could literally twist everything I'd done wrong and make the questioner feel like they were wrong and at fault. My ability to out-argue just about anyone was an abuse of a gift from God (critical thinking).

Take a look at the triggers that cause you to be a loose cannon. A great way to tell if you've been triggered is: you knee-jerk react by yelling harsh/hurtful things to loved ones and after you've cooled down, you realize that you've just behaved in an irrational manner. Typically, you have to say sorry a lot.

Wouldn't it be nice to get to the root of the problem and heal it there? How you're behaving now is just the smoke of the real fire/problem deep inside. I know Someone that gives truth right at the root and removes the lie/infection/poison and gives freedom.

If you are a loose cannon in any situation and would like some help, please feel free to contact me. I will listen, pray, and suggest practical and spiritual ways to work towards healing with Jesus. The renewing of the mind (the unscrewing of the screwy) causes a sound mind that brings freedom.

Unresolved issues/lies cause several health issues by the resentment that burns below.

My cell: 775-830-1764. Text or call.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

No Strings Attached

We often don't think of how much we expect after having done something for someone. We tend to attach an expectation to many things we do in a day.

"I cooked dinner and the least you people can do is clear the dishes."

"I worked all day and shouldn't have to do anything at night."

"I helped at the church for years and you'd think I'd get some extra privileges ."

"I won't give you my heart unless you prove your love, because I've been hurt too many times."

You get the picture.

Living/giving/serving from our God-given heart is an unconditional act of love that forgets as soon as possible what good has been done.

Pride demands and insists that "we get what we have coming to us."

After being hurt a lot, we look to protect our heart by being suspicious, jaded, too picky, mean, stubborn, and all for keeping our heart from being more damaged. The main challenge is to trust God with what happens and live from our hearts in a way that we're acting out of love and we're being our true selves with no strings attached.

What do you resent people for? This question will help you discover areas you're not giving from your heart.

Friday, January 13, 2012

She Cries

For most of my childhood, I could hear my mom crying at night. I was worried for her and fearful of my environment. My mind reeled with possibilities on what was wrong. At the very least, I could gather that she was extremely sad. Some nights she would get in my bed and cry on my shoulder. I was too young to process, so I checked-out.

A big part of my bleeding heart for hurting women is due to my mom crying so much. I have a soft spot for females and the challenges they face. After doing some living, I noticed that a lot of men were mean and demeaning to females. This strengthened my resolve to help them (only if they wanted it, of course).

I had a guy ask me a very hard question about 5 years ago: "Jay, do you think that you're trying to save your mom by helping other females?" I said, "It's quite possible and all the worry for her caused a compassion that compelled me to help."

Out of much pain a ministry rises.

I can only imagine how many women go to bed feeling sad, fearful, controlled, intimidated, unappreciated, and taken for granted by their "man."

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Anger Machine

An angry and/or absent father causes an angry son. Those boys bullied at home will have contempt for all perceived authority figures: teachers, coaches, gov't, parents, adults, and so on.

A boy that's disappointed, marginalized, ignored, abused, depressed, will burn with anger like lava erupting from a mountain.

The emotion of anger helps to tell what's hurting/wrong. Anger that boils in a pot too long becomes harmful and unhealthy for all involved. Anger unattended becomes bitterness and hatred for people--and one's self.

If you know of a boy or man that has issues with rage, please send him my way. I was The Anger Machine.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Where have you been, dude?

Well, I needed some time to rest and reevaluate what's important to me and who I would focus my attention on. I slept in on Sundays and went to the hot tub with Mindy. We had some very intense conversations about life and the pain that happens when you're involved with people. "People are people, so why should it be, that you and I should get along so awfully?" Thank you, Depeche Mode.

Grace is hard to give when you're hurt.

That being said, people really are just people, and love/grace covers a multitude of sins/shortcomings. Believe me, I have sinned against others and received grace from them.

It has taken about 2.5 years to learn what the Lord was throwing down on this iteration of insight. I'm slowly, but surely, opening back up to relational and pastoral opportunities. I've come to the conclusion that I am a pastor and always have been (I've been an Associate Pastor for two churches: Reno & 29 Palms). I came to strongly doubt this and questioned myself at the very core. The doubting is over. So, I will move forward as a pastor, no matter how it looks here on earth. I am open and willing. Word.

I currently attend Summit Christian Church with my lady clan. I haven't facilitated any Theophostic sessions in a couple of years. Mindy and I are doing well in our jobs. The girls are doing well in school. If you have any questions on why I left my last church or why I went off the grid, please feel free to ask.


Magically Delicious

A big misconception amongst Christians, is that when they're saved, their problems/weaknesses/struggles all go away. They've misunderstood/misapplied some scriptures that say that they're a new creature and their old self is gone. That's a whole other lesson.

As they go to bed, the flood of thoughts tell the true story: fears, bad dreams, conflict with others, tears and strife, lying, controlling, insecurities, addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping/buying, drama, rage, jealousy, lust, porn, etc.) are still there.

This has caused many Christians into hiding and pretending that they're fine. Everything is great when you ask them and their proverbial white knuckles are showing. Now, they've compounded the perceived impasse of being Christian/still struggling and pride that requires the hiding of the truth: you're not ok, and faking/performing for yourself and others, is a LIE.

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. (Romans 12:2 NLT)

God will provide insights into broken areas and will provide healing and freedom in those areas: only if you're open, willing, and apply spiritual and practical remedies.

If you're still pretending that you're okay, your issues will not magically disappear, for they are not magically delicious.

Want to work through some things? I can help facilitate through payer, practical applications, and some very honest conversations. All meeting will be 100% confidential between you, me, God and whomever you wish to entrust the info with.

I urge you to not wait another day.


Monday, January 9, 2012

What are your qualifications, sir?

The educated still tend to get pompous about what is needed to do certain things. When it comes to serving the extremely hurting, there are some concrete skills/stages/background that are needed, so one doesn't get consumed by the stories of abuse they hear:

1. Love from your heart (only a healthy heart can give without expecting).
2. Ensure your heart is at a fairly healthy stage (healing and extensive study).
3. Love Jesus (know Him intimately through prayer and His Word).
4. Love people (look to help everytime your heart says to).
5. Have some life experience to share wisdom from.

I come from a broken home where I am the only one not addicted to drugs right now. My father and brother have passed from drug-related incidents. This is not where I try to convince anyone how tough my life's been, so don't worry about that.

In order to be free of a million layers of trash, I have spent 10+ years going through counseling for my own issues. I have spent about 3 years helping others with theirs.

I could list my degrees and courses achieved, but I'll save that for those that like to put them in their signature block.


The Other People

Only the really messed-up people need emotional and mind healing/renewal, right? The question is rhetorical, because everybody hurts (REM) to some extent. The magnitude of pain/baggage differs from one person to another. Some Christians think they're completely free of garbage and look to enlighten The Other People. When we're free of garbage, we won't be located on earth.

Who do I look to help? Anyone with enough humility to recognize there's brokenness inside of them and they'd like to be free of it.

Who does my heart particularly bleed for? For girls and women who have been sexually violated/physically-verbally-psychologically-spiritually-emotionally abused, or still are, and the agonizing effects that affect their present life and decisions: broken relationships, self-hatred, compromising of one's self, addiction, etc....

If you or someone you know could use somebody to talk to and pray with, please call, text, or email me. My wife always accompanies me when helping females.

Cell: 775-830-1764
Email: jaeburd@gmail.com

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Suits and Candles

Even people that didn't want to make a cookie-cutter church, made uniquely the same cookie-cutter churches: candles, coffee, dimly lit, couches, round tables, and British-styled worship music. In essence, we've gone from suits and rules to hipsters and lattes. "Church" gets repackaged every so many years, so may we be more focused on sincerity and sensitivity to all around us. It makes no difference whether your hair is blue and have tattoos everywhere, or you're clean-cut and wear a suit on Sunday--the focus should always be meeting people where they're at and giving some loving kindness. May we get over how cool we think we are.

With that said, I believe that each type of person is a vital part to building the kingdom.

Nothing New Under the Sun

History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Ecclesiastes 1:9
As much as we'd like to think we're creating the coolest ministries ever, we are simply doing what's been done before, with a pretty corny name/label. This venture won't propose or suppose any new ideas on serving the hurting.

Friday, January 6, 2012


I started this blog to start dialoguing on a new endeavor. I don't know much at this point, but I do know that my heart bleeds for the hurting (all forms) and I want to develop ways to practically and spiritually meet people where they are and ask how I (and a group of link-minded people) might help. I'll need ideas/input from you--as much as you are willing to give. I would appreciate your prayers and can take hard criticism. Please ask ALL the questions that come to your mind.