Sunday, March 18, 2012

I Reject Myself

A HUGE chunk of my life was wasted on being afraid of living freely and diving into things. I still find myself not engaging when it comes to people or experiences. It makes me sad to know this.

I reject myself before someone else does. At 41, I still have remnants of the insecure/hurting/scared little boy. At work/family/friends, I find that I engage quite easily, but outside of work (church, general public), I clam-up and go into protect mode.

Mindy continues to lovingly remind me that she knows when I'm in self-protect mode by my behaviors and comments toward others: hyper-critical, fault-finding, superior, condescending, suspicious, and aloof.

I am living proof that a person can be a loving and kind in one compartment of life and suspicious and judgmental in another. I remember the very day at age 12 when I decided people were not to be trusted and I withdrew myself.

This continues to cause a sadness in me. My personal challenge is to dive into things out of heart and let the cards fall as they may.

I start church softball league this Thursday. It's a just for "fun" league and it will hold two assignments for me: 1) have fun (easier said than done, for me) and 2) be friendly and don't harass my team with negative comments when they're sucking.

I'm glad God loves me enough to strip away fear and pride that cause the issues above. Only an insecure person needs to degrade and belittle people with sarcasm and condescension.