Dear Mom,

My heart longs for you. Oh, to be hugged by you. Your blue eyes and smile, positioned like a perfectly presented portrait, floats in my mind.

My heart moans with sadness that we've been apart for so long. Imperfect people trying to survive the best we could.

I so badly want to hear your voice and learn of what you've been up to and what makes you happy. Do you still plant flowers and drink lots of iced tea? Your love of flowers was passes to me and when I see them, I think of you, especially red roses and sunflowers. My favorite smell is honeysuckle.

At my house, Mindy carries on your salad and birthday cake recipes, because they taste amazing and in honor of you.

I have hurt for your hurts. You are the most giving/serving person I have ever known. So selfless and unassuming, I thank you for you being you. My heart continues to break for The loss of Dad and Paul. I still stand by my principles/decisions, but I greatly struggle with not having seen them before they passed.

Shall we push all the junk aside and start over? I don't know how it will look, but I'll be damned if I lose another family member without reconciliation.

What do you say? I love you very much.

JayBird

I Reject Myself

A HUGE chunk of my life was wasted on being afraid of living freely and diving into things. I still find myself not engaging when it comes to people or experiences. It makes me sad to know this.

I reject myself before someone else does. At 41, I still have remnants of the insecure/hurting/scared little boy. At work/family/friends, I find that I engage quite easily, but outside of work (church, general public), I clam-up and go into protect mode.

Mindy continues to lovingly remind me that she knows when I'm in self-protect mode by my behaviors and comments toward others: hyper-critical, fault-finding, superior, condescending, suspicious, and aloof.

I am living proof that a person can be a loving and kind in one compartment of life and suspicious and judgmental in another. I remember the very day at age 12 when I decided people were not to be trusted and I withdrew myself.

This continues to cause a sadness in me. My personal challenge is to dive into things out of heart and let the cards fall as they may.

I start church softball league this Thursday. It's a just for "fun" league and it will hold two assignments for me: 1) have fun (easier said than done, for me) and 2) be friendly and don't harass my team with negative comments when they're sucking.

I'm glad God loves me enough to strip away fear and pride that cause the issues above. Only an insecure person needs to degrade and belittle people with sarcasm and condescension.

Jay

Damage Control

Oh, you know the type: they collude, sneak, back-stab, start rumors, slander your character, dishonest about intentions/deceptive, manipulative, and just plain snake-like (figuratively and literally).

If they get found-out, they will do damage control: sickly sweet, over accommodating, constant check-ins, and anything else that will smooth it over with you.

They're really not concerned about making amends due to feelings of conviction, but rather to "appear" in a good light. It typically lasts for a small while, then you catch them again doing their sneaky serpentine behaviors. They don't really care for you, you are just someone to use to satisfy their desires and goals.

These types often present themselves as overly nice, incredibly sweet/charming, and endearing. When you call them out be prepared for some of the most vile things you've ever heard directed at you and about you. Sometimes, in dealing with these types, you must consider that they simply have no conscience. I believe through living and extensive research, that some are born without a conscience, and some have been so horribly brutalized that their psyche snaps/breaks (ability to feel convicted is covered by a jagged, hard shell).

While we're to love even our enemies, we must be careful to only surround ourselves with people that don't take advantage of us. Whether it be family, friends or coworkers, a "user" must be put at an arm's distance with healthy boundaries.

Has someone in your life that uses you AND talks shit about you, and all the while smiles and acts as if nothing has happened? You may consider that they are simply performing damage control.

Jay

Always, Never, and Forever

You always let me down!

You never support me!

You haven't put me first in your life in forever!

[insert the other million things you could use to replace above]

Examples of a hurting person that is attempting to get love the wrong way. Their need can't be quenched and people in their life will continually disappoint them. They will quite literally behave as a child having a tantrum in order to get/manipulate what they want.

The little kid having a tantrum is using guilt as a tool of manipulation. After inflammatory comments, they will pout by being extra quiet or cause drama. Though the person has a true void from childhood, they can't demand that people love them they way they dictate.

Famous quote from Mindy: "Will you give me a script I can read from, so I don't piss you off anymore?" Ouch and so true.

Are you one of these people? I know just a guy who is extremely familiar with this problem.

Jay

You Do Not Know What He Did To Me

First off, many of us know why we should forgive: so God can forgive us of our sins, and be released from a life-hindering grudge, so that we can move on and get healthy/well. Often, we think that forgiving a violator is going to make what they did ok/of no consequence. It does NOT make it ok and the relationship doesn't go back to the way it was like nothing happened.

This is easier said than done, because some have been so violated that the grudge/hatred/rage against the violator is boiling deep within. They have become so familiar with the grudge/hatred toward the violator, that it's a part of their life they really don't want to give up.

As much as we'd like to tell someone to forgive and move on, the person must be ready and willing, or the words of forgiveness will be empty and void of sincerity. Some have literally been talked into saying they forgive someone and their heart is not ready and they don't mean it.

Let's be sensitive and caring with a person who is hurting from traumatic events. We know what they need to do, but they have to work through a healing process that allows for sincere forgiveness. We typically don't forget what has happened to us after giving forgiveness, but when we look upon the abuse/event, we can pour mercy on it in knowing that Jesus died for our sins.

Ready to forgive someone that hasn't asked for your forgiveness for the wrongs committed against you?

Go to Jesus in prayer and say it out loud that you forgive [insert name]. If you'd like assistance in doing this, I would love to pray with you. The relief and freedom that comes with this is life-changing.

Jay

Hanging on a Limb

There's that feeling you get when you put yourself out there to someone and wait with baited breath for a response. It's not that you expect it, but rather desire/hope that they do.

This place of vulnerability causes some to go into protection mode and they often will reject themselves before they allow another person to do it.

For me, trying to be friendly and engaging is as vulnerable as it gets. Don't get me wrong, I love people and want the best for them, I just have the social skills of 12-year-old boy that started playing by himself at recess, because people sucked so bad. With practice, patience, and humility , I will overcome this cycle/pattern.

I remain on the limb no matter how nervous I may get. Living from the heart is a challenge well worth the efforts.

Have a hard time like I do in this area? We can work on it together if you like.

Jay

She Wants Her Dad

Her heart longs for a Dad. A Dad that will listen to all her thoughts. A Dad that loves to give her big hugs. One that's interested in her dreams and ideas. One that makes things happen, so she can feel safe, secure, supported, encouraged and loved.

She wants to play and wrestle on the living room floor when he gets home from work. She wants a piggyback ride and he must sit at the miniature tea table like a gentleman.

She wants to be protected from scary dogs and mean kids. She wants to feel strong arms that hug her tightly. When she gets hurt, she wants to tell him how bad it was.

She wants to do special activities (only she and Dad can do them), as they are her special moments with her Dad. She likes his undivided attention and loves going to the park with Dad.

Dad must create special games and she can change the rules at any time. She loves the smell of his clothes and cologne--they are smells that are linked to good and safe and fun times.

She loves to hear how pretty she is and needs Dad to notice how cute she looks with new clothes and her hair done up.

He is a spiritual concrete that solidifies her value that has been assigned by God Himself. Her Dad is so important that she'll view God the same very way (good, bad, or indifferent) in her adult life.

An absent Dad (physical and/emotional) will starve her of the affirmations of her value. She prefers a kiss on the forehead over any gift/present he can try to make up with.

She wants him on the sideline and in the audience watching and smiling at her. Your availability and love will allow for her to grow from a solid foundation in which she can flourish and explore life. She wants to hold your hand, sit on your lap, and laugh as much as possible.

If her Dad isn't around or emotionally available, she will look outside the house for other men to affirm her. This is the very point where a girl sells her soul and dignity to be loved by some douche bag.

Here begins the uphill battle for the girl who is about to grow-up faster than she should.

Men: If there is a girl or woman in your life that could use some love and care, you be sure to do it. In God's family, He puts spiritual fathers in our lives to help fill the childhood voids.

God bless those men that are grandfathers and spiritual fathers to girls needing one.