Some of us have had the unfortunate displeasure of being vilified. We all know that people make mistakes, but some people will be so offended that they'll go on a mission to make you pay over and over again. They'll smear your name with a vengeance straight from hell.
Forget that you've asked for forgiveness, because the person has appointed them self as the exactor of judgement and any/everyone will hear about your mistakes. This exactor will not rest until your reputation is in shambles.
The hypocrisy of the exactor is quite ironic in that he/she will demand you pay the price, but wants all the grace in the world regarding their mistakes. Many people have been badly hurt from the smear campaign and sometimes lose friendships after being forgiven of their transgressions.
If you've been vilified into a scapegoat, there's a good chance you fear and worry that your transgressions have been, or will be, told. Let me know if you'd like to talk through it.
Jay
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
I am NOT Sorry!
Are you ALWAYS "wrong" and yielding to "authority" figures or controllers in your life. Have you been so controlled that you're automatically the one to blame, because there "must" be something wrong with you? You're so brainwashed/programmed that you start to doubt yourself at the core: opinions/ideas/concerns/questions. You won't even ask questions you're strongly convicted to ask, because you doubt all your motives.
Controllers love and will allow for you to doubt yourself on the most basic of things; they get-off on it. You lose yourself in the controller and look to them to make your decisions for you.
As you start to think for yourself, the controller will say little things to make you feel guilty. "Are you sure that's the best decision? "So and so loves you very much." "This will change how thinks look/go-down." Those are just a few comments that controllers use to guilt you back into submission.
I'm not sorry for thinking on my own. I will ask "why?" about everything. I will not assume you are right. If you don't value my input, I'll leave you standing by your bad-self.
This post isn't about being rebellious or disrespectful to people, but rather to have a Godly confidence in your intelligence and gifting. Control is oppression and Jesus came to set the captives free. Word.
Is somebody controlling you?
I can help in this area if you want.
Controllers love and will allow for you to doubt yourself on the most basic of things; they get-off on it. You lose yourself in the controller and look to them to make your decisions for you.
As you start to think for yourself, the controller will say little things to make you feel guilty. "Are you sure that's the best decision? "So and so loves you very much." "This will change how thinks look/go-down." Those are just a few comments that controllers use to guilt you back into submission.
I'm not sorry for thinking on my own. I will ask "why?" about everything. I will not assume you are right. If you don't value my input, I'll leave you standing by your bad-self.
This post isn't about being rebellious or disrespectful to people, but rather to have a Godly confidence in your intelligence and gifting. Control is oppression and Jesus came to set the captives free. Word.
Is somebody controlling you?
I can help in this area if you want.
The Savior Complex
I knew something was wrong early on in my family. I became horribly codependent to my family members, because I tried to fix them. I would try very hard to make sure each person was cared for/enabled. I spent so many years making fake peace and catering to dysfunction, I lost myself. I gave all my energy to "save" my family, I had no clue who I was.
To my dismay, my family continued to participate in destructive patterns and my efforts started to feel futile. I was beginning to realize that I couldn't "save" them. This realization caused much heart-ache and pain. I was just trying to help.
I then realized that through immaturity, I had been trying to do the Holy Spirit's job. I was also straining against God's gift of free will to all wo/man. No matter my extreme efforts, the person would choose for them self what they were going to do in every situation.
Ever wanted someone healed of any struggle they may have, more than them? I took emergency leave on a couple of occasions from the Marine Corps to attempt to save family members of drug addictions. I did not save them. My efforts changed nothing. They had free will. This is where I learned the prayer was the route to go for them. God, nor I, will violate someone's free will.
Are you trying to "save" someone? Trying to make them happier and nicer? Trying to place the broken pieces into place with your own hands?
Sorry to break it to ya, but you are severely codependent and delusional. You have good intentions, but it's not your job/place to save people. One of the hardest things I had to do with my family of origin was to create boundaries that would allow them to be responsible for themselves and no longer enable them or be a scapegoat for them. It's a tough road to walk, and true sadness will happen, but the freedom and peace comes from God.
Start asking yourself what friend or family member you're trying to save/codependent to: who takes all your energy and only causes you pain? Be careful to know the difference between helping and saving.
If you're interested in reading in private on codependency from a Christian perspective, I recommend "Love is a Choice." This book will change your life as I believe it is truly God-inspired:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0785263756
To my dismay, my family continued to participate in destructive patterns and my efforts started to feel futile. I was beginning to realize that I couldn't "save" them. This realization caused much heart-ache and pain. I was just trying to help.
I then realized that through immaturity, I had been trying to do the Holy Spirit's job. I was also straining against God's gift of free will to all wo/man. No matter my extreme efforts, the person would choose for them self what they were going to do in every situation.
Ever wanted someone healed of any struggle they may have, more than them? I took emergency leave on a couple of occasions from the Marine Corps to attempt to save family members of drug addictions. I did not save them. My efforts changed nothing. They had free will. This is where I learned the prayer was the route to go for them. God, nor I, will violate someone's free will.
Are you trying to "save" someone? Trying to make them happier and nicer? Trying to place the broken pieces into place with your own hands?
Sorry to break it to ya, but you are severely codependent and delusional. You have good intentions, but it's not your job/place to save people. One of the hardest things I had to do with my family of origin was to create boundaries that would allow them to be responsible for themselves and no longer enable them or be a scapegoat for them. It's a tough road to walk, and true sadness will happen, but the freedom and peace comes from God.
Start asking yourself what friend or family member you're trying to save/codependent to: who takes all your energy and only causes you pain? Be careful to know the difference between helping and saving.
If you're interested in reading in private on codependency from a Christian perspective, I recommend "Love is a Choice." This book will change your life as I believe it is truly God-inspired:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0785263756
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
When the Gloves Come Off
In every/any relationship, people will do some proverbial bare-knuckle fighting. You WILL win the argument at any cost. Your need to be right will outweigh all that wisdom and rationality have to offer.
I remember being so enraged during arguments that I would mentally realize that I was wrong, or the argument was over something petty, but insisted on being right/smarter/dominant. The intensity of an argument is equal to the garbage/lies/insecurities that Person A and B bring to the battle. The content of the battle could be small and silly, but when pride shows up, it gets plain dumb.
Knuckles aren't the only weapon used during these battles: spears, knives, scissors, darts, bricks, rocks, that all serve to injure the opponent. An argument over how to properly clean something in the house could end up in poisonous words that wound. How did we get to bringing up my past mistakes when we were only talking about how the bathroom should be cleaned?
Arguing and heated discussions are healthy for growing relationships. The line is crossed when the words are meant to wound: this is what we call sin. Why do I sin so much when I argue over anything/nothing? I'm glad you asked. My junk (unhealed mind and spiritual oppression/demonic) get triggered by innocent and innocuous comments that I may perceive as a knock on who I think I am. For example, my dad was a domineering man that would be right about everything and I would be wrong/submit. I made a subconscious vow to never be dominated by anyone ever again. I improperly applied this vow to all people that may disrespect me in any perceived manner. So, if Mindy were to say, "I dont't think what you did was right." That would trigger my disrespect issue and I would go into a rage that would get her under my control quickly with mind games and intimidation. Also, there are things I would say to Mindy that pushed her buttons and her past junk would come right into the present. So, not only do we get triggered while arguing, but we also know what buttons to push to get a rise out of someone. It's an evil//sinful tactic.
If you know of areas that your response/reaction is disproportionate to the circumstance, you can start asking yourself why it angers, or hurts you so much. Why would simple ideas and recommendations send you into a rage?
If you're interested in following the smoke trail back to the fire, let me know and I can provide some passistance.
Jay
I remember being so enraged during arguments that I would mentally realize that I was wrong, or the argument was over something petty, but insisted on being right/smarter/dominant. The intensity of an argument is equal to the garbage/lies/insecurities that Person A and B bring to the battle. The content of the battle could be small and silly, but when pride shows up, it gets plain dumb.
Knuckles aren't the only weapon used during these battles: spears, knives, scissors, darts, bricks, rocks, that all serve to injure the opponent. An argument over how to properly clean something in the house could end up in poisonous words that wound. How did we get to bringing up my past mistakes when we were only talking about how the bathroom should be cleaned?
Arguing and heated discussions are healthy for growing relationships. The line is crossed when the words are meant to wound: this is what we call sin. Why do I sin so much when I argue over anything/nothing? I'm glad you asked. My junk (unhealed mind and spiritual oppression/demonic) get triggered by innocent and innocuous comments that I may perceive as a knock on who I think I am. For example, my dad was a domineering man that would be right about everything and I would be wrong/submit. I made a subconscious vow to never be dominated by anyone ever again. I improperly applied this vow to all people that may disrespect me in any perceived manner. So, if Mindy were to say, "I dont't think what you did was right." That would trigger my disrespect issue and I would go into a rage that would get her under my control quickly with mind games and intimidation. Also, there are things I would say to Mindy that pushed her buttons and her past junk would come right into the present. So, not only do we get triggered while arguing, but we also know what buttons to push to get a rise out of someone. It's an evil//sinful tactic.
If you know of areas that your response/reaction is disproportionate to the circumstance, you can start asking yourself why it angers, or hurts you so much. Why would simple ideas and recommendations send you into a rage?
If you're interested in following the smoke trail back to the fire, let me know and I can provide some passistance.
Jay
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Abuse in the name of God
The church is an appealing place for the power-hungry, performance-trapped, people-pleasing types and they often strive for positions of leadership to fill voids of love and acceptance. The flip-side of this are those that go to church to brown-nose and make the leader an idol.
We're all a work in progress, but those appointed as leaders are held to a higher standard/accountability, and some of them are abusing their position. They "help" others by using scripture and common misguided Christianisms to solve or fix someone that always leaves the person feeling guilty or more confused. Here are a few examples:
1. Person seeking guidance asks the leader why he/she can't stop feeling depressed. The leader answers dogmatically, "This is the day the Lord has made, you 'should' be glad and rejoice in it."
2. Girl having suicidal thoughts vulnerably asks the leader why life is so bad and intolerable and the leader provides a "lovely" platitude, "You 'should' pull yourself up by your boot-straps and marvel at all of God's creations. When you do this, you will never want to think negatively again."
3. Drug addict whose life is in shambles asks the leader if he could get some help/assistance in being free of the addiction. The hard-charging and ignorant leader says, "When you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, all the chains of addiction were removed. You are a new creation and never look at the past. Go and live in the knowledge of this."
Scriptures are true/God-inspired; however, they can be used to minimize and even dismiss pain the person feels. The scripture being used is an attempt too eradicate the smoke, but doesn't even come close to the fire burning deep within. Scriptures are better used after discussions on why the person is hurting to affirm God's truths over any lies the person believes about themselves or others. The mind will not be renewed by simply jamming scripture and platitudes down the throat of the hurting. Love is kind and is fully interested in why someone hurts.
Many people that I've lay-ministered in healing hurts have at least one very hurtful experience with their last church. Spiritual abuse is so very damaging, because it can have long-lasting negative effects on one's view of Christ and his followers. In essence, taking a wounded person and crushing him/her even more.
If you're not willing to listen and give mercy to a hurting person without giving a quick fix, please keep your mouth shut and refer them to me or others equipped to handle the situation.
Jay
We're all a work in progress, but those appointed as leaders are held to a higher standard/accountability, and some of them are abusing their position. They "help" others by using scripture and common misguided Christianisms to solve or fix someone that always leaves the person feeling guilty or more confused. Here are a few examples:
1. Person seeking guidance asks the leader why he/she can't stop feeling depressed. The leader answers dogmatically, "This is the day the Lord has made, you 'should' be glad and rejoice in it."
2. Girl having suicidal thoughts vulnerably asks the leader why life is so bad and intolerable and the leader provides a "lovely" platitude, "You 'should' pull yourself up by your boot-straps and marvel at all of God's creations. When you do this, you will never want to think negatively again."
3. Drug addict whose life is in shambles asks the leader if he could get some help/assistance in being free of the addiction. The hard-charging and ignorant leader says, "When you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, all the chains of addiction were removed. You are a new creation and never look at the past. Go and live in the knowledge of this."
Scriptures are true/God-inspired; however, they can be used to minimize and even dismiss pain the person feels. The scripture being used is an attempt too eradicate the smoke, but doesn't even come close to the fire burning deep within. Scriptures are better used after discussions on why the person is hurting to affirm God's truths over any lies the person believes about themselves or others. The mind will not be renewed by simply jamming scripture and platitudes down the throat of the hurting. Love is kind and is fully interested in why someone hurts.
Many people that I've lay-ministered in healing hurts have at least one very hurtful experience with their last church. Spiritual abuse is so very damaging, because it can have long-lasting negative effects on one's view of Christ and his followers. In essence, taking a wounded person and crushing him/her even more.
If you're not willing to listen and give mercy to a hurting person without giving a quick fix, please keep your mouth shut and refer them to me or others equipped to handle the situation.
Jay
Gun-Shy
God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. (Psalm 34:4 MSG)
Many people have been so verbally and physically abused that they have become gun-shy: hesitant, wary, or distrustful, especially because of previous unpleasant experience(s).
This causes a protective posture in dealing with people in general. It often translates into a person being suspicious of all human interaction. Someone who is suspicious of people often become hyper-critical; therefore, keeping themselves safe from being hurt.
After all these years, I can slip back into feeling suspicious and judging people. The Lord is asking me to continue my spiritual growth by addressing this life-hindering mindset/behavior. It's one thing to protect your heart, and another to hide your heart. Fear is at the root of it all, and pride is the protection measure.
Anyone else distrusting of people and want to change that?
Many people have been so verbally and physically abused that they have become gun-shy: hesitant, wary, or distrustful, especially because of previous unpleasant experience(s).
This causes a protective posture in dealing with people in general. It often translates into a person being suspicious of all human interaction. Someone who is suspicious of people often become hyper-critical; therefore, keeping themselves safe from being hurt.
After all these years, I can slip back into feeling suspicious and judging people. The Lord is asking me to continue my spiritual growth by addressing this life-hindering mindset/behavior. It's one thing to protect your heart, and another to hide your heart. Fear is at the root of it all, and pride is the protection measure.
Anyone else distrusting of people and want to change that?
Monday, January 23, 2012
Stupid People
"Let me see you stripped down to the bone." (Depeche Mode)
Other than the physical possibilities of the lyrics above, there are deeper and more spiritual parallels to be considered.
He shines a spotlight into caves of darkness, hauls deepest darkness into the noonday sun. (Job 12:22 MSG)
Light made a way into a cave of mine and revealed that I don't like people in general. Don't get me wrong here, I like and love a big group of people in my life and look to help, but in social situations, I feel awkward as fu@$. I'd like to blame it on being introverted and shy, but the reality is that people make life tough for me. I need them, but I don't want them.
I know I'm getting off-track when I overly-criticize people. It usually centers around me feeling irritated with their lack or intelligence or irritating behaviors they display. Like I'm so easy to approach and be around. I'm the most perfect and pleasant person I know. ;)
A major contradiction in my life is being revealed once again by the Light: I talk about community and people loving on each other through friendship, but I'm not willing to go there. Mindy kindly reminded me yesterday that I'm missing out on great friendships, because I think I can't relate and they're corny.
I do think most people are dumb and corny and God is working on me. If I'm going to live from my heart, I have to be vulnerable enough to risk rejection. This has proven to be the toughest struggle of my life: trusting others with my sensitive heart.
Jay
Other than the physical possibilities of the lyrics above, there are deeper and more spiritual parallels to be considered.
He shines a spotlight into caves of darkness, hauls deepest darkness into the noonday sun. (Job 12:22 MSG)
Light made a way into a cave of mine and revealed that I don't like people in general. Don't get me wrong here, I like and love a big group of people in my life and look to help, but in social situations, I feel awkward as fu@$. I'd like to blame it on being introverted and shy, but the reality is that people make life tough for me. I need them, but I don't want them.
I know I'm getting off-track when I overly-criticize people. It usually centers around me feeling irritated with their lack or intelligence or irritating behaviors they display. Like I'm so easy to approach and be around. I'm the most perfect and pleasant person I know. ;)
A major contradiction in my life is being revealed once again by the Light: I talk about community and people loving on each other through friendship, but I'm not willing to go there. Mindy kindly reminded me yesterday that I'm missing out on great friendships, because I think I can't relate and they're corny.
I do think most people are dumb and corny and God is working on me. If I'm going to live from my heart, I have to be vulnerable enough to risk rejection. This has proven to be the toughest struggle of my life: trusting others with my sensitive heart.
Jay
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