Damage Control

Oh, you know the type: they collude, sneak, back-stab, start rumors, slander your character, dishonest about intentions/deceptive, manipulative, and just plain snake-like (figuratively and literally).

If they get found-out, they will do damage control: sickly sweet, over accommodating, constant check-ins, and anything else that will smooth it over with you.

They're really not concerned about making amends due to feelings of conviction, but rather to "appear" in a good light. It typically lasts for a small while, then you catch them again doing their sneaky serpentine behaviors. They don't really care for you, you are just someone to use to satisfy their desires and goals.

These types often present themselves as overly nice, incredibly sweet/charming, and endearing. When you call them out be prepared for some of the most vile things you've ever heard directed at you and about you. Sometimes, in dealing with these types, you must consider that they simply have no conscience. I believe through living and extensive research, that some are born without a conscience, and some have been so horribly brutalized that their psyche snaps/breaks (ability to feel convicted is covered by a jagged, hard shell).

While we're to love even our enemies, we must be careful to only surround ourselves with people that don't take advantage of us. Whether it be family, friends or coworkers, a "user" must be put at an arm's distance with healthy boundaries.

Has someone in your life that uses you AND talks shit about you, and all the while smiles and acts as if nothing has happened? You may consider that they are simply performing damage control.

Jay

Always, Never, and Forever

You always let me down!

You never support me!

You haven't put me first in your life in forever!

[insert the other million things you could use to replace above]

Examples of a hurting person that is attempting to get love the wrong way. Their need can't be quenched and people in their life will continually disappoint them. They will quite literally behave as a child having a tantrum in order to get/manipulate what they want.

The little kid having a tantrum is using guilt as a tool of manipulation. After inflammatory comments, they will pout by being extra quiet or cause drama. Though the person has a true void from childhood, they can't demand that people love them they way they dictate.

Famous quote from Mindy: "Will you give me a script I can read from, so I don't piss you off anymore?" Ouch and so true.

Are you one of these people? I know just a guy who is extremely familiar with this problem.

Jay

You Do Not Know What He Did To Me

First off, many of us know why we should forgive: so God can forgive us of our sins, and be released from a life-hindering grudge, so that we can move on and get healthy/well. Often, we think that forgiving a violator is going to make what they did ok/of no consequence. It does NOT make it ok and the relationship doesn't go back to the way it was like nothing happened.

This is easier said than done, because some have been so violated that the grudge/hatred/rage against the violator is boiling deep within. They have become so familiar with the grudge/hatred toward the violator, that it's a part of their life they really don't want to give up.

As much as we'd like to tell someone to forgive and move on, the person must be ready and willing, or the words of forgiveness will be empty and void of sincerity. Some have literally been talked into saying they forgive someone and their heart is not ready and they don't mean it.

Let's be sensitive and caring with a person who is hurting from traumatic events. We know what they need to do, but they have to work through a healing process that allows for sincere forgiveness. We typically don't forget what has happened to us after giving forgiveness, but when we look upon the abuse/event, we can pour mercy on it in knowing that Jesus died for our sins.

Ready to forgive someone that hasn't asked for your forgiveness for the wrongs committed against you?

Go to Jesus in prayer and say it out loud that you forgive [insert name]. If you'd like assistance in doing this, I would love to pray with you. The relief and freedom that comes with this is life-changing.

Jay

Hanging on a Limb

There's that feeling you get when you put yourself out there to someone and wait with baited breath for a response. It's not that you expect it, but rather desire/hope that they do.

This place of vulnerability causes some to go into protection mode and they often will reject themselves before they allow another person to do it.

For me, trying to be friendly and engaging is as vulnerable as it gets. Don't get me wrong, I love people and want the best for them, I just have the social skills of 12-year-old boy that started playing by himself at recess, because people sucked so bad. With practice, patience, and humility , I will overcome this cycle/pattern.

I remain on the limb no matter how nervous I may get. Living from the heart is a challenge well worth the efforts.

Have a hard time like I do in this area? We can work on it together if you like.

Jay

She Wants Her Dad

Her heart longs for a Dad. A Dad that will listen to all her thoughts. A Dad that loves to give her big hugs. One that's interested in her dreams and ideas. One that makes things happen, so she can feel safe, secure, supported, encouraged and loved.

She wants to play and wrestle on the living room floor when he gets home from work. She wants a piggyback ride and he must sit at the miniature tea table like a gentleman.

She wants to be protected from scary dogs and mean kids. She wants to feel strong arms that hug her tightly. When she gets hurt, she wants to tell him how bad it was.

She wants to do special activities (only she and Dad can do them), as they are her special moments with her Dad. She likes his undivided attention and loves going to the park with Dad.

Dad must create special games and she can change the rules at any time. She loves the smell of his clothes and cologne--they are smells that are linked to good and safe and fun times.

She loves to hear how pretty she is and needs Dad to notice how cute she looks with new clothes and her hair done up.

He is a spiritual concrete that solidifies her value that has been assigned by God Himself. Her Dad is so important that she'll view God the same very way (good, bad, or indifferent) in her adult life.

An absent Dad (physical and/emotional) will starve her of the affirmations of her value. She prefers a kiss on the forehead over any gift/present he can try to make up with.

She wants him on the sideline and in the audience watching and smiling at her. Your availability and love will allow for her to grow from a solid foundation in which she can flourish and explore life. She wants to hold your hand, sit on your lap, and laugh as much as possible.

If her Dad isn't around or emotionally available, she will look outside the house for other men to affirm her. This is the very point where a girl sells her soul and dignity to be loved by some douche bag.

Here begins the uphill battle for the girl who is about to grow-up faster than she should.

Men: If there is a girl or woman in your life that could use some love and care, you be sure to do it. In God's family, He puts spiritual fathers in our lives to help fill the childhood voids.

God bless those men that are grandfathers and spiritual fathers to girls needing one.

Alone

At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self. (Brendan Francis)

If you want to explore why you feel terribly lonely even in the midst of family, friends, and God--hit me up and we'll "go there."

Enough said........

Jay

The Victim

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. (Galatians 5:1 MSG)

More people than we'd like to think are victims of horrible things.

Some of these victims will create an identity/mindset around being a victim. Out of their hurt, they will assume the role of victim and/or use it to manipulate others. They often feel that others are always looking to do them harm.

Everyone is out to get the "victim." They can take just about any situation, argument, discussion, event and turn it around to where they feel sorry for themselves and seek to get pity from person they're interacting with.

The getting pity tactic is a form of manipulation that they'll use to get what they want/their way. Some Christian "victims" will look to blame people and supernatural beings for persecuting them. Truth be told, their wounded-ness causes a skewed worldview and they tend to make bad life decisions.

The "victim" will often say that "everyone" is out to get them and they've been dealt a bad hand in life. This is a total cop-out and allows for them to blame other things and people for the bad stuff in their life.

Some will identify with the victim role and they'll believe lies about being entitled to handouts and special treatment from friends, family, and the government.

If you or someone you know identifies with being The Victim, start praying immediately that the lies be revealed and be replaced by the truth. The Victim role is very deep rooted and will take a complete willingness to address, as it usually is comprised of many layers of lies/junk.

Please know that I have the utmost compassion for victims of abuse. This post is more about false identities (The Victim) getting in the way of living a life of freedom from the past. Sometimes people get afraid of addressing past/present abuse and choose a life of denial and utter dysfunction--

Let me know if you'd like a hand with this: whether you be The Victim or a victim of The Victim.

Jay

Thanks, Captain Obvious!

You bless the world with your incredibly well-timed comments that add so much value to problems and conversations.

What would we do without you? Your are an integral part of every situation. Your ability to state the obvious is truly commendable. Your ability to insert yourself in conversations is impressive. Your assumption that all people are dumb allows for you to share your knowledge to everyone and at all times.

The sad part is, you are the jack-wagon and nobody likes the obvious stated as if it's going to solve the issue.

I still agape love you, but I dislike you very much.

Jay

Do not make me slap you, Beavis.

I cringe when I see or hear of parents that discipline their children out of anger. There's arm pulling/yanking, slapping, knuckling, hair pulling, flicking, pinching, and I'm sure the child is benefitting from it in a multitude of ways (note sarcasm).

Does asking for some candy warrant a neck wrench? Does being bored and hungry warrant an arm pinch that leaves a bruise? Does having an opinion warrant a slap? Does going to the store/any place when a child is tired and hungry sound like a good idea?

A child that responds well to correction, will never think to be afraid or flinch. The child responds well, because they feel loved and safe around you. You've done a lot more hugging and kissing than you've "disciplined" them.

If you MUST hurt someone, try that sh!t on me; I'll introduce your teeth to the back of your skull.


Jay

Dear Parents

Don't be insecure, worried, or threatened by your child that isn't just like you or how your pretend child "should" be.

What they do with their hair or how they dress isn't really a concern of yours. The food they like/dislike is not something you can change. Their imagination and creativity should not intimidate you.

Please refrain from attempting to squash your child by forcing them to be more like you or the social norm you subscribe to. If you like fishing and your son doesn't, try bonding over a shared interest and don't make him feel bad for not liking fishing. If you like football and require your boy to play, you forgot one really important question, "Son, do you like football and do you think you might enjoy playing?" It can be anything where you force your likes onto your children and get butt-hurt when they don't jump for joy.

Let your child flourish naturally and come alongside them with support for their endeavors. Caring more for their person is far better than being fixated on what they'll be according to societal/church norms.

Jay

Pretend Play

Controlling men will often require that their wives/girlfriends be some ideal fantasy they've constructed in their head over time.

Here are some common ones:

1. She loves to cook and will never complain about it.

2. She will always be fit and look hot.

3. She will only wear clothes that have been "allowed."

4. She will only say things that are appropriate and pleasing.

5. She will be joyful, bubbly, and ready to serve at social functions.

6. She will not argue or have opinions.

7. She will do what she's told at all times.

8. [insert pretend play expectation of wife/girlfriend here]

Controllers still pretend play. They don't want a woman to be who she is, but rather a pretend version of what they need to feel better about themselves.

A Knife in Your Back

They're just so cute and endearing. Warm smile and beaming eyes that could melt the coldest heart.

Their words pull you in with arms like vines. Their presence is pleasant, like a butterfly in a flower garden. You look to please them with gifts of your time, money, and resources.

Just as you feel the safest, you feel a searing hot pain in your back that burns with hellfire. You've been brutally stabbed in the back and your'e speechless.

You look at the person with eyes of betrayal and wonder how it's possible that such a nice person be so vindictive and cruel.

While God loves even the backstabbers, we must use wisdom in dealing with them. They like to use, manipulate, and pit people against each other.

They are much like a wolf in sheep's clothing.

No matter how cunningly he conceals his malice, eventually his evil will be exposed in public. (Proverbs 26:26 MSG)

Jay

The Martyr

We all know what the literal definition of a martyr is. Not many are called to willfully die to communicate a message. All Christians are called to stand for their beliefs at any cost (which could be our life).

The Martyr, I speak of, is the person who always goes above and beyond to make sure everyone is taken care of. Now, this sounds like a noble behavior, but it often comes from not feeling worthy to receive help, blessings, or compliments.

The Matyr is easily distinguished in any situation you find yourself in. This person will be doing everything and starts to resent people around them for it. They will feel unappreciated, unnoticed, and taken for granted. When The Martyr is feeling resentful, they will make jabbing remarks to the people they do things for.

They often are characterized by having a void (neglected in basic emotional needs) from childhood and want to be noticed for all the good things they do. It's as if they think they can get love from doing "things." They fall trap to putting everyone first and performing acts of selflessness as a means of creating their value. Their value was already established before they were born.

Martyrs are good souls that truly want to give and receive love, but they have it all backwards: God's grace, love, acceptance, and forgiveness are free gifts.

Jay

You are Batsh!t Crazy!

We take medications for many ailments. Not all are good, but some are vitally important for survival and quality of life.

I abhor the pervasive attitude that Americans, dare I say Christians, think that medicine for the brain is not ok for a brain that is physiologically deficient in chemicals needed to feel normal, joyful, even-keeled, etc......

Here's a typical day of a guy I know really well--without brain chemistry meds:

"I wake up feeling nervous, depressed, guilty and just want to curl-up and sleep. As I get ready for work, my stomach is in a knot and I feel like crawling out of my skin. The thought of things needing to be done weigh on me like a ton of bricks. It all feels very insurmountable. At work, I feel anti-social and try to hide as much as possible. Any/all human interaction is loathed and irritating. When I get home from work, I feel like sitting on the couch and burying myself into a TV show. I want to interact with my family, but I almost feel paralyzed to a point where it would seem painful to get off the couch. When something exciting happens, I don't feel happy about it. When something bad happens, I feel numb. I generally feel numb, apathetic, and unmotivated all of the time. I just barely function and sometimes just feel like quitting."

The brain is just as vital as any other body part to take care of. For people that have experienced perpetual traumatic events, the brain has been depleted of its natural chemicals that allow for a person to feel joy, level-headed, focused, calm, peaceful, able to transition, etc.... These chemicals are referred to as neurotransmitters. If your brain is low on one or more of them, you will see it play out in your life in a negative manner. You're not necessarily Batsh!t Crazy like many would like to label those with neurotransmitter deficiencies I apologize to you for anyone that has called you crazy or unstable. This is like someone calling another "weak" for needing insulin.

If you'd like to talk more on this, please feel free to FB message or call me.

Jay

The Ramones Suck

If you like Punk music, you almost have to like The Ramones. The Ramones suck. If you get down to the actual music and lyrics these bozos put out, you'll want to laugh.

So many people will do or act in any way that will make them "cool." Most don't even like what they're doing, but need to be accepted in any way possible. When I was growing up, we called these people "posers."

If you're a Christian, I recommend cleansing your mind of any talk on being cool. Being cool is so far away from the things we're to be focusing on.

Just be yourself with no concern of how you may appear to others. "Cool" does not exist. Cool infers that there's the uncool. Insecure bullies like to force their likes on anyone around them. These bullies aren't so obvious like they were in school, they are the ones that subtlety make biting comments on how you look, walk, talk, clothes, food you eat, color of your hair, and the list goes on.

If you squash what you like to do, say, wear, believe in, you're trying to be "cool."

Jay

It is a Conspiracy!

You are just too smart to deal with idiots. You call in sick all the time. Your boss is a DB and coworkers have serious issues. You're just not appreciated and should have a better job than this one. All your coworkers gossip about you and want nothing more than to bring you down. You can't understand why they hate you. The world revolves around your mood. You complain to everyone and just KNOW you could do it better.

You may consider that it's you that needs repair.

Jay

If You Were Just Like Me......

.........you'd require more of your friends than you're willing to give.

rec·i·proc·i·ty

1 : the quality or state of being reciprocal : mutual dependence, action, or influence

It's nice to think that relationships could be mutually fulfilling. It's a good thing to want someone who is affectionate and loving back to us.

It goes from being good to bad when one person, out of their wounded-ness/garbage, wants you to fulfill a void that only God can fill in their life. When a person puts an extreme need on a friend the relationship can get strained.

I believe Christians form a spiritual family that can look to meet some needs of the hurting: love, acceptance, support, a listening ear, etc.... However, when a person starts to demand they be treated "mutually" (a perception that is often skewed/untrue), the natural/organic flow of the relationship gets interrupted. It will get to feel forced and awkward.

With regards to unconditional love, I have placed some conditions on friends that they have my "standards" and my wounded guy demands reciprocation. This is unhealthy. If I'm living from my heart, I'll give myself freely, without expecting anything in return. Word.

Jay

Liar Liar Pants on Fire!

Barricade the road that goes Nowhere; grace me with your clear revelation. (Psalm 119:29 MSG)

Typically, we think of lying in terms of something we do to another person. We wouldn't lie to ourselves, right? That would be preposterous! What kind of person does that?

You need not look far: place your hand on your cheek gently and you've found him/her.

Examples:

I can afford this new car (budget already hurting).

I'll be just fine with a few smokes a day (smoking is really bad on the lungs and makes asthma worse).

I'm not addicted to porn, I feel okay with the amount I'm watching. Everyone looks at it, so I'm probably doing better than most.

I don't fantasize about real/unreal men/women. I never feel attracted to people?

I don't need love and affection. I'm not worth it.

I don't have value unless I become "successful."

I will never give my whole heart to another.

All men are pigs and women, sluts.

I won't submit to anyone or thing.

At least I'm not crazy like "those" people. (You just hide your secrets better).

I'm not hyper-critical of people or point out everyone's faults. I don't keep a record of wrongs done to me.

I've never hated or kept a grudge against anyone.

I don't gossip, I just share info out of "concern."

I'm pretty sure what I speculate is true and safe to share with others.

You get the picture. One of the most difficult things to do is admit that you lie to yourself/believe lies. When you can do that, healing can begin.

What do you lie about to yourself? If you want to talk, feel free to call, text and/or write:

Cell: 775-830-1764
Email: jaeburd@gmail.com

Jay